My baby is getting older.. *L*.. Oh sweet angel.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY darling.. *squeezing you tight, kissing you romantically*. I hope you get the best of days and that you feel my love surrounding you more than ever today. I’m with you.. every second. I love you so much.. I miss you.

Sometimes there is some kind of inspirational drought in my head. I’m usually a somewhat creative person but there are times when the words just kind of get stuck inside my head and they won’t come out no matter how badly I want them to. They’re like a 4-year old in a candy store.. not getting what he wants, laying flat on the floor and screaming from the top of his lungs.. You get the picture..?

So.. when the inspiration is low.. or closer to nothing, it’s good to find that others have done the thinking for you. There are a million different kinds of lists and quizzes on the net.. that you can fill with your own answers, personalize and publish. I found one.. and here goes..

Six things I’ve done today:
Took a shower
Ate breakfast
Drove to work
Hunted my new boss
Watched Project Runway
Delivered some invitations and ads to Salon AngelHair

Five favourite things, without order of priority:
My books
The framed wedding picture of my Mummi and Grandpa from 1937
My computer
Our popcorn machine
My silverheart in a long silver chain

Four persons I admire:
Barack Obama
Zachary
My mother
Sir Anthony Hopkins

Three choices:
Red or Blue: Blue because of the sky and the ocean and the heart of Finland.
Potatoechips or Chocolate: Chocolate if I’m forced to chose.
Summer or Winter: Neither, but I love spring and autumn.

Two things I want to do before I die:
See my family united
Travel to Japan and see my Nanni there

One thing I regret:
That I didn’t divorce much sooner

… from the past weekend. Sanna and I had a great time this past weekend. We were downtown Stockholm both Friday (I took a day off from work) and Saturday. Sunday was mostly about chillin’.. Now it’s back to business again and it’s stressful at work. I got a new boss since last week.. but the old one is still there and they’re both keeping me very, very busy. Feels like I’m working night and day.. but it’s just for now. It’ll ease eventually. Can’t wait for my boys to get home.. 1,5 weeks to go.. VRASZ..!

My brother Niko had his b-day on March 1st.. and sweet Uncle Mike had his b-day yesterday.. and we all forgot.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY Niko and Uncle Mike.. I hope you both had great birthdays. I’m so sorry I forgot..

Alright.. here are some pics from the past weekend.. Click on the pics to see a larger image if you want..

First there’s the Wok Café we both love.. they have the best Lucky Mee dish in the world and Lin and Don (sister and brother) who owns the place are amazingly sweet people. Then we see me just sitting and.. well.. after the first bookstore. Then some books we got on the sale.. And then we found this wonderful place called Grace Tea House.. which was like stepping into a little piece of China. That was amazing. First pic is of the lemon-passionfruitcake and the tea I had.. and pic after that is from their interior. So cool. Then we have the Beauty.. Nanni.. After that some flowers we got at the market square and then last but  not least.. Sanna got her very first piercing on her eyebrow. The guy who pierced her was awesome and funny.. and he didn’t mind posing either.. *s*

                  

It’s been a while again.. Seems like time flies and I’m always stressed out.. and yet, at the same time.. time sometimes seems to stand still. I miss my boys so much it’s insane.. and now we’re two weeks and a few days from being together. At last. Finally. Wow.  I’m still worried sick about both Zachary and Vincent and their health. Very worried.. I know my Rickyman is doing good and feeling good.. so that’s a huge relief.

This week my beautiful Sanna has off from school.. it’s her February break. Unfortunatelly I have one of the most stressful weeks ever at work.. and that sucks big time. We are still going to do some stuff together later this week. We’re planning on going downtown and doing something together.. we will also visit some bookstores this week. The Huge Booksale of the year started yesterday. Best time of the year.. shopping-wise.. if you ask me. I LOVE books.. and I LOVE my boys.. my family.. Speaking of family.. many of you has gotten an account in Facebook.. which is great and funny. May I remind you though.. that a few of you still has a blog here too.. *coughing a little discrete*

And now.. a kind of funny thing with letters and words.. Found it online..

My name is: Annukka

• A four letter word: Also

• Girls name: Alicia

• Boys name: Alexander

• Profession: Ambulance driver

• Colour: Amber

• Piece of clothing: Anorak

• Food: Anjovis-sandwich

• Thing in the bathroom: Aceton

• Place/City: Annawan

• Reason to be late: Alcohol poisoning

• Something you scream: Aaaooch..!

• Movie: Australia

• Something you drink: Aqua

• Band: ABBA (of course..!)

• Animal: Ape

• Street name: Alholmstreet

• Car: Audi

• Song: Alejate

• Activity with more than one participant: Armwrestling

Rules:  Every answer has to start with the first letter in your first name.
All answers has to be real, not made up. You can't have the same
answers as someone else you either get the list from or that takes it
from your blog. Never same answer twice, and not your name as an
answer.

Today is exactly one month until my boys will be home. 4 weeks.. 28 days. Wow.. It’s beginning to feel a bit more real now and time passes by pretty fast. 28 days.. that’s nothing. I can’t wait to take them in my arms and kiss them until they get sick of me.. *s*.

Today both Sanna and I were at the care centre to have blood drawn from us.. The doc has ordered a number of tests for our appointments later this month. I’m glad we’re finally on track with that and I have a feeling that things will turn out okey eventually. I also saw my diabetes doc and that was positive.. which was a pleasant surprise for me. I hadn’t expected it to be as good as it turned out to be. I still have a long way to go.. but at least I’m on my way. It’s taking time.. but it’s going in the right direction, which I’m very grateful for. Now I have to keep it up and remind myself to eat something every 3,5-4 hours.. like a baby.. and I’ll be good. The medicine seems to be working also. Phew.. I’m not out of the woods yet.. but I’m on the right path.

Tomorrow morning we’ll be driving to Norrköping to see mom and the brothers.. and nephews of course. We are going to celebrate Sanna’s and Tommy’s b-days together. We’re going to stay one night so we’ll be back on Sunday afternoon sometime. Kirre will stay at home.. I have a real hard time leaving him like that even though I know he’ll be doing great. He’ll have food and water and we’ll be back home the next day. I know, I know.. but I still feel bad.. We’ll hurry back on Sunday though.

And tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY everyone..! Especially my own Valentine.. my beautiful man.. my Zachary. And my little Valentine’s.. Ricky and Vincent.. and my Nanni-Valentine.. my wonderful daughter. You are all my hearts and you totally own it.. along with my soul. My life is you.. all of you and I love you so much more than I can ever make you understand. I am so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for chosing me to be your mother and your partner in life.

Tomorrow is also 14 years since my dad passed away. So.. dad.. watch the candles we’ll light for you and know that you are still with us in so many ways. Your granddaughter and I miss you..

And Sanna, Vincent, Ricky.. my babies.. everything will be alright. Sanna, sweet baby girl.. we’re getting help now.. medically and emotionally. Vincent.. Monday we find out more and we’ll take it from there. Ricky.. relax this weekend.. and keep healing baby boy. I want you to know that I am here for you always. In every way. Always and forever… for ever. That goes for you too Zachary.. I love you so much.. all 4 of you. My family.

Today is a very, very special day.. Today is Sanna’s 18th birthday. I can’t believe how fast time passes. It sounds like a kliché to say.. but it’s true. I remember in detail how you kicked me in some well chose place so that my water broke.. you were almost 2 months premature. I was in labor for almost 2 days.. before you were born with an emergency c-section on a Sunday.. Sunday February 10th 1991. The day my life changed forever and all for the better.

I hope today has been a good day for you my baby girl. You’re not a baby anymore.. but to me you always will be in some senses.. and I know that annoys you sometimes, but that’s just how it is. You hold a huge piece of my heart and I am so thankful, grateful every day to have you. You are such an amazing young woman.. You are a wonderful sister, friend, cousin, niece, grandchild… and you are the most fantastic daughter anyone could ever ask for. You are also a role model for many others. You’ve gone through so much in life already.. many things I wish I could have saved you from. But life chose different. You are so much stronger than what you know. You are loyal, compassionate and so loving.. you have a golden heart and so much empathy. And then you’re a bit crazy also.. *s*.. Like your daddy. You’re good crazy though.. fun crazy.

I am so overwhelmed from the love I feel for you Sanna.. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for chosing me to be your mother.. and for teaching me so much about life. You help me see things in different ways through your eyes.. through your mind, your thoughts, your dreams. You help me. You teach me. I admire you so much every day. You are pure beauty to me and to so many others. You are so loved Sanna. I feel so truly blessed to have you.. Thank you so much for being mine.

Happy Birthday my beautiful Nanni

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my wonderful brother Calebi.. *squeezing you so tight, kissing your both cheeks*.. Feeling older..? Wiser..? Naah.. didn’t think so.. *L*. I hope you’re having the best of days. I wish I was there to celebrate with you. I’m sorry we couldn’t talk today.. but we’ll talk soon. I love you so much and I’m so proud of you Cal..! You rock.

What else is cooking..? Work..! That’s almost all there is for now. Work and work and then some more work. Almost no play at all. I’m getting sick of it to be honest. And last week on Tuesday our Sanna fell and hurt herself.. Wednesday we were at the ER just about all day. Nothing broken but most likely stretched out ligaments and some heavy bruising. Saturday she came with me to work. I have some weekend and some nightshifts to do this week and next. That sucks.. but it has to be done. I’m taking pics of everyone for new ID’s.. and I have about 100 more to take pics of. Saturday Sanna was with me and we had her iPod docking station with us with some cool music.. She wanted to take the pics, so she did.. which was cool. This weekend went by way too fast much because of us being at work all Saturday. At least I got to be with the most beautiful and amazing girl in the world.. Sanna.

I miss my boys so much. I know the past days has been more rough than usual and I wish we were together. I love you so much.. and in less than 5 weeks.. it’ll be VRASZ party for sure. I can’t wait to get you home. You are always with me.. in everything I feel, dream, say, think, do..

Tomorrow is a very special day.. a wonderful day.. I will write more about that sometime tomorrow..

It’s been a week since I updated this.. (which still is much more often than some others.. *wink, wink* ). But when I look at what I last wrote.. it seems like yesterday. This week has been an eventful one in some ways. I’ll try to give you an update..

Monday.. work.
Tuesday.. work.
Wednesday.. Funeral.
Thursday.. work.
Friday.. work.

So it’s been a lot of work. Stressful.. and not much sleep at nights. Not so good. Wednesday I was on Maria’s funeral.. I was saying my last farewell’s to her and it was so sad. It was the first catholic funeral mass I’ve ever been to. It was really ritual, ceremonial.. a lot of stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down.. and reading from the Holy Bible. Felt a bit more strict than funerals I’ve been to before. It was beautiful though.. and it warmed my heart to see her beloved son Fernando be gathered with so much love, so many friends. He stands alone in the world now.. all of his family, aunts and uncles are far far away. But he has friends here.. that’s good. He said he might take a trip to his uncles in Portugal this summer. He should..  I hope he will. I miss Maria so much.. it also felt good for me to be able to be among her other friends, of which some are my friends too.. from work. We were able to mourn and say goodbye together.. share the grief, kind of. Maria.. my wonderful friend. Thank you for what you were, what we had, all that you gave of yourself. Life will never be the same again.. but I will carry you with me in my heart always and forever. I miss you so much.

Saturday morning.. my youngest brother Jens and his family came to visit. From the second they arrived.. I was 100% The Auntie. The moment Oliver and Dexter hugged and kissed me.. my heart melted and I was lost in those two munchkins. We got some valuable help with getting some IKEA shelves put together.. we bought them a few months ago and they’ve been in our storage room. They were also here to get Sanna’s old desk for Oliver.. a dresser we don’t want anymore.. and Sanna’s baby crib.. that I’ve saved for some reason. Jens and Jennie are having their third baby at the end of April.. so it comes in handy now.

Sunday.. today. We went to IKEA to get some more stuff.. *s*.. The munchkins were able to be in the IKEA play area for an hour, which was their heaven… My heaven is all of IKEA . Jens and his family took off in the afternoon.. and Sanna, Kirre and I took a good and well deserved nap. Sanna has been doing some homework.. and we have been talking with Uncle Mike now.. which was great..! He’s such a great guy. We are still talking with my Zacky.. Sanna’s daddy.. but I know he’s dying to go downstairs with the guys to watch the Superbowl.. *s*.. Our house is filled with Ianotti guys… nachos and dip… a few beers I believe.. and some betting I’m sure. My beautiful son Ricky is now feeling better after his eye infection, thank God.. but my beautiful Vincent.. is having it bad still. Feel better soon precious..

So that about sums it up.. It’s been busy but boring this past week.. or most of it. The funeral was touching.. it was hard.. but it was sort of a closure too, which was necessary at this point I believe. Now we have a new month.. new possibilities..

Alright.. Historical events has been made since I last blogged. Now.. this is huge. This made me cry. TomTom, Princess Dion and Brody will understand what I’m talking about. And Zacky.. because I make him.. *L*. Listen carefully people. I saw this.. I started to shake, I got the shivers.. I cried.. and I was so happy I didn’t know what to do with myself. This is huge y’all. Brace yourselves.. and check THIS out.. What can I say..? You all need to comment this. I am serious.

King Kirre have been taking it easy since his adventure up in the pine tree. He caught a cold too.. he’s been sneezing a bit and resting a bit more than usual. Poor baby. He’s so amazingly wonderful. He’s really all love and joy. So he’s been outside a couple more times since then.. but just to check out the backyard basically and then he wants to come in again. Works with me..

Been taking it easy today. Last week was kind of rowdy and pretty stressful with work. We meant to have breakfast at McDonald’s and then go to IKEA today, but we decided to stay home and take it easy. I got up early.. took a look through the window.. saw the snowstorm and crawled back into bed. I had some catching up to do with sleep also and it was great to sleep late and have a slow breakfast at home. IKEA will be there tomorrow too.. so we’re going tomorrow morning instead.

I called my beautiful baby sister today. She’s crazy.. but I love her to death and beyond. Christina, I had a wonderful time with you and I hope we can talk again soon. You reenergize me. And tonight.. we’ve been online with my amazing son Vincent and my gorgeous Zacky. Our Rickyman is hanging with his best friend Cody today and sleeping over at his house. Tomorrow is Rickyman-time.. I miss my boys so much and I can’t wait for these 7 weeks to pass QUICKLY. I need to have them here already.

It’s been a lot of work the past days.. All work and no play. That’s how life is sometimes. I’m working against deadlines and as much as I love my work.. it’s draining me every once in a while. I’m nurturing a hope that it’ll get better.. and I’m sure it will be. But until then.. it’s just to zip it and keep working.

Kirre was outside today… for about 20 minutes. Then he felt it was enough.. and he didn’t even want to go outside later even though we opened the door to him. He’s been cuddling and purring here with us all day instead.. God, I love that cat..

I’m looking forward to this weekend though. I won’t be working that much and it’ll be mostly about relaxing.. and being close with Sanna and Kirre. I need to reenergize myself in some way and that’s the best way I can think of here and now. I can’t wait until I have my whole family here.. and we can hang out together.. just be happy and have fun. No more missing. Next week will be about a lot of work again.. so this weekend needs to be relaxing. Next week we also have a funeral to go to.. Maria’s funeral on Wednesday.  Sanna and I were talking about going downtown afterwards.. just hanging out.. maybe catching a movie or something. We’ll see in what shape we’re in.

But back to work.. First I’ll talk with my beautiful man and my amazing brother JoeJoe. Last night we talked with my precious brother TomTom and tomorrow we talk with his future wife.. Princess Dion. I love my family.. I’m crazy in love with my beautiful, wonderful family. And.. Saturday I’m going to call my baby sister.. That’ll reenergize me for sure..

The Return of The King has taken place here. Our big boy came back home. I have no idea how he managed to get down from the tree.. he was at least 30-40 feet up in that pine tree. But down he came and he came home. Our precious Kirre. As soon as he stepped inside the door, Sanna picked him up and held him tight.. and she cried out of relief.. I held them both and cried too. What a scare he gave us. He’s home now though.. he’s safe.. and he’s grounded..! At least for a day or two. I actually don’t believe he’d want to go out again anytime soon. (cute picture taken by cute Sanna)

We’ve been talking with my beautiful man and my wonderful brother JoeJoe tonight. We had a great time like we always do. We’re lifting each others spirits and we tend to laugh a lot.. even though we can get real serious and deep out stuff too. Thank you Sanna, Zachary and JoeJoe for a great time tonight..! I also felt that some things are going to get a lot better from now on and some worries can be eliminated by better communication. Why worry when we can talk about it..?!

I love and adore and miss my boys to a point where it’s almost ridiculous. Seven more weeks to go.. Stay safe.. I can’t wait..

Time to turn english.. yeah, maybe it is. Or at least write an english blog too.. Welcome to my humble place here in cyberspace. I’m Annukka and I was born in Finland, but raised and molded in Sweden since I was 2 years old.

My native language isn’t english.. so bare with me.

This is going to be about my thoughts, my every day life, my dreams, hopes and well.. my life in general..

Today.. is my baby’s an my Anniversary. A year ago.. we got back together. That is magical my love.. Happy Anniversary and thank you for being you. Thank you for being mine.. You are my dream come true.. I love you so much more than you’ll ever understand.

Today’s song.. Curly Sue by Takida. Listen to it.. you won’t regret it..!

Today is just one of those days when you really don’t want to go outside at all. I love the autumn, it’s my favourite time of the year. I love how nature changes and I love the fresh air and that it gets darker. Gives me an excuse to light candles and enjoy the real good things in life.. like reading, watching movies, listening to music, being close to the ones I love. I also need to write every day. I don’t think a day has passed by that I haven’t written anything.. since I was like 7 or 8 years old. Writing is like oxygen for me. It’s also what I do for a living.. more or less..

It’s breathtaking outside.. so beautiful. The nature is changing dramatically and getting ready for the long winter rest. Everything calms down… except me.. *s*

I would love to snuggle myself down on the couch.. wrap a blanket around me.. watch a good movie and eat chocolate.. Well, that’ll happen some other day.. Today is about work. One more day and then the weekend is here.. Thank God. I just decided to put a silver lining to at least something today.. I’ll prepare dinner for me and Sanna.. and I’ll set the table real nice and I’ll light some candles.. Just because..

Todays song: Viva la Vida by Coldplay

Friday at last. Best day of the week if you ask me.. Whole weekend is ahead and waiting, untouched. I do have to work a bit this weekend and we might visit some friends tomorrow for a few hours.. but other than that. I’m free.. and I’ll be home. Chillin’.. or something. I feel like reading a lot.. and I would really love if the weather was somewhat good. I’d love to go outside and take some autumn pictures. Whatever this weekend is about .. I sincerely hope it will be slow. I’ve had so much stress surrounding me this week and next week will be just as bad. So having a somewhat quiet weekend and catching up on some sleep.. will help me cope with next week and the challenges that awaits.

I also heard from my sweet nieces Kelsey and Linda. Two beautiful, sweet, amazing young women. Hey girls.. start blogging. Seriously. You can do it anonymously if you want. It’s very therapeutic and it does you a world of good to put words into some of the pain. I know that for a fact. I love you so much and I’ll write you both this weekend.

Gosh.. I’m so tired it’s ridiculous. I’m going to sleep late tomorrow… Yeeeaaahhhh..!

This is the first Saturday in a while that is unplanned and where we’re just hanging out at home without nobody else being around. We’ve been away and we had company and it’s been a lot of work the past 4-5 weekends. But this weekend is just about hanging out and taking it easy.. which feels really great.

So today is Saturday and Saturday is Candy Day. That’s just the way it is. We are on our way to the store in a minute. I need chocolate today for sure. My body and mind is craving it and it feels like I’m going to lose my mind if I don’t get it.. *s*. That’s probably not true, but we don’t want to find out, right..? We also talked about watching a movie.. and I think it’s going to be one favourite tonight.. Edward Scissorhands by Tim Burton. Sanna is a real Tim Burton freak and I kind of like his movies too.. not the way Sanna does, but they’re okey. She’s more like obsessed.. *S*

Anyways.. time to get some chocolate, get comfortable on the couch and enjoy the movie. Oh, and we should eat something today also.. why not a pizza..? Well yeah.. if the weekend is about to be relaxed and comfortable.. then pizza fits right in there, right..?

Sunday.. weekend almost over. Howcome the weekend goes by so incredibly much faster than any other weekday..? Why are the 48 hours of a Saturday and Sunday so much shorter than any other 48 hours combined..? I really don’t get it. It sucks though. I’ve been pretty lazy today and I’m trying not to feel guilty about it. I did some laundry, I have dinner to make in a bit.. but other than that I’ve been reading, hanging out, e-mailing a bit and just.. doing nothing. The weather has been gorgeous and I should have been outside.. but i didn’t feel like it. I guess it’s okey to be lazy sometimes. I also finished my book.. a book I really have enjoyed reading from page 1 and that I’m going to miss real bad now for a few days. Gotta find another one tonight. I have plenty of books waiting for my attention. I couldn’t live without reading books.

I need to work for an hour or two also and I feel terrible for not doing that already. But so what..? Nobody suffers from that except me. I have a real rowdy and full week ahead and I thought that being lazy today would be a good thing.. since my stresslevels are so so so high.

I’m going to make myself some coffee now.. and then call my sister. The little shit has started to call me ”Little girl”.. *L*.. which is so funny. I’m also her Drill Sergeant and El Capitano… I love her to death.. the little brat.. *L*. She’s also almost as fat as I am now.. but she can blame it on her pregnancy. I’m still thinking of some excuse.. Oh yeah, I can say that I haven’t been able to get rid of my baby weight.. Nobody needs to know how old my baby is.. *LOL*

Tonight I’m going to talk with my beautiful boys, that I miss so much.. all three of them. And hey Joey.. did you get a good nights sleep..? *S*… You are most welcome.. *L*

Yeah.. it’s been a real crazy day at work. I’ve been stuck in a meeting for 13 hours, which is insane. It’s been a good meeting on and off.. but LONG. And it goes on tomorrow.. But tomorrow it won’t be for 13 hours. I have a couple hours of work to catch up on right now and then I’m off to bed.. I’m just talking with my baby first. I miss him horribly..

My Rickyman went back to school today.. hopefully he had an okey day. My Vincent got an important insight today.. and it’s going to help him heal. My Sanna is going to meet Alexandra for the first time alone tomorrow.. that’ll be cool. Alexandra is her ”big sister”.. and they’re gonna hang out for a few hours every other week.. starting tomorrow. Good luck sweetheart.

And now.. back to my man. My dream come true. My precious angel… Mi Grande Amore. I kind of miss him more than usual today..

I blogged the other day about why time seems to pass by so much faster on a Saturday and Sunday. Well.. today is Tuesday and it’s really a proven fact now. The hours pass by much, much more slow during weekdays. I thought yesterday and today would never end.. *s*

So superlong meeting is over.. It has been interesting and even amusing at times, but also crap boring and sometimes even rowdy and annoying. We had some good discussions and we reached some good goals and we came up with great activities and an agenda for the next few months. Since I rarely keep my mouth shut.. I also got some of my points across, which feels grrrreat. Anyways.. tomorrow is another meeting, or actually an education day. We are getting updated on the My Workplace editor thing.. My Workplace (MWP) is our intranet and I’m the editor for the Stockholm part of it. The one holding the education is Danish though.. so I’m a bit nervous of how it’s going to go.. but she’ll have to switch to English if it doesn’t work with the Danish. All the participants are Swedish.

So.. I’m talking on MSN now with my sweet darling Zachary.. and my wonderful and talented brother Coltin.. and Sanna is online too.. even though I have her in the next room.. *s*. Gotta get some work done tonight.. finish a magazine and get some sleep. Another long day awaits tomorrow.. with slow hours I bet..

I also want to say.. I love you my bambinos.. Sanna, you’re doing great and tomorrow is a new day – a good day, right..? Rickyman, keep up the good work baby – one day at the time. Vincent, you’re doing GREAT.. keep doing great even though it’s tough.. you’ll be richly rewarded in the end. I love you three so much and I’m so proud of you.

I thought this day would never end. Seriously. I was having a one day education for web editors and the woman holding the education was speaking Danish. That is, in my opinion, not even a language. It’s more like making weird sounds actually. I almost gave up.. it was horrible. The woman was very competent, very sweet and she knew her shit. Unfortunatelly she knew it only in Danish. Thank God I learn easy and the manual is in english. If I ge stuck.. I’ll ask someone Swedish. No worries.

When I got home early this evening.. I immediately changed into my at-home-uniform. And right then and there I decided that the next two days will be different from what the past few weeks has been like. Enough with the stress for this week. I’m going to work hard tomorrow and Friday too. But I’ll work from home.. I’ll work in my pace.. under my terms… in my uniform, which basically means in my pj’s.

I might take a stroll in the garden, capture some of the beauty of autumn through the camera lens.. depending on the weather. I might snuggle into a warm blanket and sit on the patio and read for a bit. I might drag my ass to the mailbox.. or I might just not. I’ll make it a point to really slow down for a couple days. I still have a shitload of work to do, but I’ll do it my own way. Next week is uphill again. But I’ve got tomorrow and Friday. Those are mine. Two days in my pace. A lot of tea.. great music.. me.. and yeah.. work too.

Now.. time to say goodnight.. and read a few pages of my book. Started on a new one a few days ago.. Book is Blood Sisters and it’s written by Barbara and Stephanie Keating.

… how much I slept today..! I got up around 7.30.. had breakfast and checked out some work stuff. Then.. around 9 or so, I thought I could use another hours sleep.. so I crawled back into bed. I was so so tired.. and i didn’t wake up until 3.10 in the afternoon..! MY GOD. That was almost spooky. But I guess I needed it. It felt really good.. but I’m still tired, which is strange considering how much I slept today.

I’ve been taking it easy today though. I really felt yesterday that my whole being was shouting STOP, ENOUGH..! I felt myself falling down hard and I was aware of that I was on the verge of having a major breakdown. So I’ve tried today not to feel bad or guilty for taking it slow..

Tomorrow is Friday.. and that feels so good. This weekend will be about relaxing and recharging our batteries. Sanna has autumn break from school next week.. so we’ll be planning that a bit too.. and on Tuesday.. we’re going here… That will be AWESOME..

Talking to my baby now.. and my sweet Sanna. Going to write my boys and get to bed in decent time tonight.. Missing them so much.. so so much..

Wow.. what a day. Overwhelming… I’ve drove Sanna to school today. She had a meeting with the project group at 1.30 and while she was there.. I read my book, waiting for her. After that we grabbed some lunch and then we went to this awesome café.. before we drove to Barkarby, which is the shopping-Mekka on the north side of Stockholm.. *ss*. That’s also where IKEA is. You know.. IKEA = heaven..! Anyways.. got 3 CD’s and a dvd.. Coldplay, Takida and Rob Zombie.. and the dvd ”Finding Neverland”.. a beautiful movie.

Anyways.. we got home kind of late so we also got busy right away. I was going to dye Sanna’s hair, which I did and it turned out great. We made dinner.. and today we had a favourite.. which was tacos. And we sat down to watch Swedish Idol.. and what do you know.. this weeks theme was ABBA-songs.. *whoppy doodle*. Was I happy or was I happy..? I was VERY HAPPY.. and I wasn’t able to sit still during the whole show. Unfortunatelly one of my favourites had to leave tonight.. Loulou Lamotte.. what an amazing voice and what a girl..! Too bad…

So Friday.. weekend ahead, ABBA-theme on Swedish Idol.. and tacos. Doesn’t get much better than that.. *s*. I only wish my family was here. My boys.. all three of them. I know everyone is feeling kind of low right now, but for different reasons. We are all going through something and we feel each other. It’s all going to be alright though.. I know it will be. It just have to go down sometimes.. in order for us to feel when it’s all good and what to be grateful for. Zacky, Ricky, Vincent, Sanna.. it’s going to be alright..! Life sucks sometimes.. That’s when we learn important stuff about ourselves and that’s when we grow. I love you so much and I’m always here for you. You know that, right..?! Yeah.. you know that..

So.. play some ABBA-music.. you can never be down when listening to ABBA. Eat some tacos.. that’s soooo good. Or chocolate. I bet there’s like happy-hormones in chocolate. Put on your pj’s.. and just bum around. That’s what I do..

Oh well, oh well.. IKEA is the place to go. I bet that place can cure just about any disease too.. They’ve got it all. Today wasn’t one of the best visits there though. The place was super crowded because it was payday for most people yesterday. Sanna and I was going to get a black bathroom rug, some light bulbs and some black towels.. but we ended up getting a bit more. It was fun though. They had taken out Christmas decorations already and there were some amazingly beautiful stuff.. and we also bought some great stuff for Halloween decorations. And a little bit of everything else. Oh man.. that place IS heaven.. *s*

After IKEA we drove to Vällingby, which is another northwestern suburb to Stockholm. Darin was going to perform and also sign his newly released single. Darin has been a huge idol for both Sanna and I since he came second on Swedish Idol in 2004. Very, VERY talented guy.. writes his own music and is one of the most humble persons in the music industry.. from what I can see. Great guy. We saw him perform.. he gave us 3 songs and it was great and then we stood in line to get her single signed for over an hour. He recognized Sanna, even though it’s been a couple years since we met him. We’ve been to 3-4 concerts and many, many occations where he has been signing his albums, dvd’s or singles or whatever. We’ve seen him in concert in Stockholm, Gävle and Norrköping. He’s cool.. we both like him a lot.

On our way home.. Sanna started to feel really crappy. She had a headache earlier and it got a lot worse, she started to shake and just feel real sick. When we got home, she went straight to bed.. slept for a couple hours, got up.. but couldn’t stay up and went straight to bed again. She’s feeling very uncomfortable and she has a full blown migraine. My baby girl.. I feel so bad for her. I hope she can sleep all night and wake up feeling a lot better tomorrow. I’m feeling kind of crappy myself.. a little temp, uncomfortable and in pain. I’m talking with my Zachary now for a bit.. and then it’s time for me to crawl into bed too.. maybe read a few pages in my book before I turn out the lights. And tomorrow… no alarm going off.. we’ll sleep as late as we want. Yay..

Some of the IKEA stuff we got today…

First the black rug for our upstairs bathroom, then a laundry sack.. we’ve got one downstairs in the laundry room but realized that it’s conveniant to have one upstairs too. Then it’s this really sweet and cute silver chain with what you can hang up Christmas decorations. The Christmas decorations we got were the lower ones.. the darker blue ones. They are HUGE. Two of those.. and the hearts.. they are huge also and we got the silver ones. And then we got some candle tray’s. Three small ones and two bigger ones. And then some candles.. 4 in each package. We got orange and black for halloween and dark red for Christmas. We got a whole lot of other stuff too.. but hey – this is not a catalogue.. *s*. Click on the pictures to see larger images if you want.

 

Oh man.. I can hardly move or breathe. I just ate. We had our super-mega-favourite dinner today.. which is potatoe gratin with lots of garlic and made with butter, cream and love.. *s*. And then fried mushrooms and a really great steak filét. I’m so stuffed I could pass out. Man…

Today has been a slow day.. feels like most things has been in slow motion. My mind has been kind of up and down and I’m real, real tired. I feel a bit stressed out with some workrelated stuff also. I did write a family e-mail today.. which felt great. Long overdue.. I meant to write it forever and today I did. I have more e-mails to write.. but today was at least a good start.

I’m gonna try to take some time off from work this week. Sanna has autumn break and I want to spend time with her as much as possible. I also need to catch up on some sleep and also on other things.. like myself. Now I’m gonna lay down for a few minutes.. and Sanna will massage my feet.. What would I do without her.. my sweet, precious, angel daughter. And my boys.. oh how I miss them.. I miss them so much it makes me cry. I want my family so bad.. Tonight we’re gonna talk with my niece Kelsey also.. for the first time. It’s gonna be great..! Can’t wait..

First of all.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELSEY..!! Happy 18th sweetheart. My beautiful niece is turning 18 today and I hope, wish and pray that she’s having the best day ever. I know she got her tattoo and that she’s happy with it. Auntie can’t wait to see it.. *s*. I love you Kels.. I’m with you. Always.

Today is a somewhat strange day.. much because I can’t seem to wake up properly. Weird, huh..? I feel like a zombie, walking beside myself. I have a real hard time staying awake. This tiredness is really getting crazy. Today it’s like I’m having this wet blanket over me and everything goes in slow-mo. Even more than what it did yesterday. Today is also the first day of Sanna’s autumn break.. which is real nice. I love having her near me like this.

I have to snap out of it somehow because I have a shitload of work to do.. and it has to be done by tomorrow morning. Tomorrow and Wednesday I have taken off from work. Tomorrow morning Sanna and I are driving to Yasuragi. We’ve been invited for lunch there and we’re just going to enjoy that as much as possible.. we’ll stay there for a while and get some info on what they can offer. We’ll also take a ton of pictures. That place is unique in the world actually..

I also just heard from my Zachary. I am really pissed off for what happened in court.. a lot  more than what he seems to be. To me.. it’s disrespectful and a mystery how a judge can allow something like that. We were promised for it to end today, but now it drags out for another week.

I’m glad the bunch got to vote there today though. I wish I could too. GO OBAMA..! And Kelsey got to vote on her 18th b-day.. which was sweet. My Vincent will also vote for the first time this year. And the happiest news today is that TomTom and Ms Dion are now legal guardians of Linda, Nicholas and Anthony. They will adopt them, the process is in motion. Kelsey is right there too.. but she’s of legal age, so she’s not formally going to be adopted. She’s emotionally adopted though..*s*

I’m rambling, I’m almost passing out. This is crazy. I’m going to make a cup of coffee and get on with work. Now. My baby is closing the selling of the club right now.. so my thoughts are with him.. as always, but even more so now.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.. a more awake day. It will be.. it’s Yasuragi day..

… I’ll blog about how wonderful today has been. Right now I’m just too tired. Yasuragi with Sanna was fantastic in every way. There was something for all your senses.. body, mind, soul. Truly awesome.. We want to go back for sure.. and we can’t wait to take our boys there. Our whole family as a matter of fact. There really is something for everyone. Magical place…

More about that + pics tomorrow… Zacky darling.. keep resting. I love you..

It really was a piece of heaven to be there for a few hours. Sanna and I took off from home in good time to drive there. It’s about an hours drive, but since it was all new territory for me.. I wanted plenty of time. I also had printed out the description on how to get there in detail. So we drove in the rain.. all excited and curious of what the day would bring us. What do you know.. I forgot the last page of the description at home.. started to act like an ass and being so stressed out that I nearly popped a vein. I’m so sorry Sanna.. I was being an asshole. Thank God you were with me.. you were calm and you knew the way by instinct.

Oh well.. we got there.. it was so beautiful. This is what it looked like.. (click on the pics to get larger images if you want).. Pictures 3, 4, 5, 6 (all those horizontal) are taken by Sanna.. the rest are mine.

                    

The design of the whole place was beautiful in its simplicity. Less is more seems to be the Japanese device. I love it. At first we met a lot of people when we got there. Some were checking out and it was just real rowdy for a bit. Then we got to meet Jeanette Capocci, who was being our host for today. I had an appointment with her that was work related and she was going to buy us lunch also. So she showed us everything.. we were amazed, stunned. The Japanese garden was fantastic.. the terrace was mindblowing with a view over the ocean. Breathtaking. She also showed us the bath department.. it holds a lot of Japanese rituals and it was just breathing serenity and harmony. You can get all kind of treatments there.. like shiatzu massage, facials, manicures and pedicures, lava stone massage.. and a lot more. There is also a Dojo where they hold activities.. like Qi Gong, Yoga.. different kind of meditations and also Samuraj Sword Shows. Yasuragi also has a few restaurants.. and we were invited to Teppanyaki, which was the most amazing one I’ve seen. You get to have your own chef, who is cooking at your table. This is only available for dinner though.. not for lunch. We got some great lunch though.. Sanna had Chili Beef Ramen and I had a Bentobox.. and Jeanette had some sushi. I also got to take some sushi home with me.. and I was more than happy to accept that of course. I have to say that it was one of the most amazingly delishious sushi I have ever eaten in my life. On our way home.. we stopped by at the store they have there. Filled with things from or about Japan. Sweet Sanna was in heaven.. *s*. We got some stuff.. and we drove back home…

This was truly a day to remember and we really want to go back there one day. I was so happy to share this day with my beautiful daughter and it made me so happy to see her happy..

And today.. well, it’s been about work mostly. Another boring day.. nothing much has happened. I’m tired, a bit low. Weekend coming ahead.. which is great..! And also.. since it’s technically Thursday here now (past midnight).. it’s also the 30th of October.. and that means…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOMTOM..!! My sweet Pablo.. *squeezing you so tight, giving you a big kiss*.. My wonderful brother Tommy turns.. well.. eehh.. whatever.. it’s his BIRTHDAY.. I love you TomTom..!

An ordinary day.. nothing much happened. I’m tired up to a point where it almost feels ridiculous.. and today I have a shitty headache. Like a bonus. Nice. Or not.

It’s been raining all day.. really pouring down.. and it’s been real windy. It was a bit creepy on the highway to be honest. I had to go to the office today and being there was okey.. but getting there and driving back home was uncomfortable today.. not only because of the weather, but also because I’m so incredibly tired.

I got back home to  my baby girl.. and we went to the store back and forth.. then I called my sweet sister Christina. We talked for 2 hours and it felt great. I love her so much.. and it was a lot of fun to talk with her again. I miss her so much.. I miss everyone out there. I can’t wait for all of us to be together. I really can’t.

Today is also my beautiful, amazing Tommy’s birthday.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY sweetheart.. and it’s also his and his princess Dion’s engagement day today. Yep.. he went down on his knee and popped the question for breakfast. WIIEEE…! Congrats my sweethearts..! And I get to be the best woman.. *so proud and honored*.

Talking with my darling and my daughter.. feeling so blessed to have them in my life.. and my boys. My adorable, sweet boys. I can’t wait for our family to be together.. I really can’t.. I’m so happy that my Zacky is starting to feel a little better..  means the world to me. Keep up the good work baby..!

So.. this is our newest family member. Isn’t he gorgeous..?! His name is King Kirre. At least for now.. we’ll see.. He’s 5 years old, very social, very big, very healthy.. and very ours.. *s*. Sanna and I fell in love with him and it was hard to leave him at the shelter today. We are visiting a couple times next week and then on Friday next week, he’s coming home with us. That will be so perfect.. and we are so happy. We got just about everything here now.. (went shopping like mad).. except the cat himself. He is already so loved..

Overall.. it’s been a very good day. But it’s also been a very long day so I’m going to lay down and get some rest now. After Swedish Idol.. we watched a movie. Tonight we watched Edward Scissorhands. So beautiful, so sad.. Tomorrow will also be an eventful day.. and I would be so happy if I got at least 6 hours of sleep tonight. I miss my boys real bad also.. real bad. I heard their connection is out, so I guess I won’t hear anything from them.. or get the pictures Coltin has taken today. But tomorrow is a new day.. and hopefully all connections in the world works just fine.

Yesterday was All Saints Day.. at least here in Sweden. All Hallows Eve. We drove to the Memory Meadow for Pets.. where our beloved guinea pig Tusse is resting. We were happy to see that his picture, that we got there a few months ago.. was still in very good shape. We lid some candles for him and we just kept thinking about and remembering how precious and sweet and funny he was and how much we still miss him. It’s been almost 4 years since he died. See how beautiful there is.. on the memory meadow for pets..

    

We also drove to the cemetary to light a bunch of candles for those we love and have lost. The cemeteries are filled with candles now.. so beautiful to see. We often light candles on cemeteries.. and even more often at home.. in rememberance of all our angels.

We were invited to some good friends for dinner and it was really nice to spend an evening with them. The food was really great and we had a great time.. a lot of talk and laughter. It was closer to 1 in the morning before we were back home. And today.. Sunday.. has been a very laid back day. Did some laundry, made dinner.. assisted my sweet neighbour who helped me change the tyres. Winter has come.. well, not really.. but it’s slippery and we could have snow any day now.  Tomorrow we’re going to visit our King Kirre.. oh man.. we miss him so much and we can’t wait to get him home this week. We have prepped a blanket and tomorrow I’m buying some ham for him.. We’ll spend some time with him and of course we’re bringing the camera too.

Speaking of missing.. I miss my Zachary so much it hurts. I feel kind of lost without him. And the boys.. Ricky and Vincent.. you both rock and I love you like mad. I can’t wait to get you home..

.. King Kirre. Isn’t he a beauty..? He’s awesome.. gorgeous. We visited him today at the shelter. We brought a blanket from home and left it there with him. We also brought his favourite snack.. ham.. *s*.. and he really loved that. He ate it like there was no tomorrow.. a bit like myself with chili con carne.. *L*. Check him out though.. isn’t he something..

Admit it.. you’re in love with him too..? *s*.. I can’t wait to get him home on Friday. We’re going to visit him again on Wednesday and then Friday we get to take him home with us. Oh joy..

Some more pics from today.. Sanna took the one where he’s grooming.. the other ones are mine.

     

 

My headache is taking the best of me right now and it’s time to get into bed. My thoughts are with my family.. my beautiful boys across the ocean. I also got to talk for a bit with my beautiful brother Markus over there today.. which I appreciated a lot. And he promised to stay home this week.. YAY. I would also like to take the opportunity to say THANK YOU to JoeJoe.. for everything so far. I’ll write you tomorrow.

What can I say..? Congratulations all Americans.. and congratulations to all of us.. wherever we are. The world just got a better place last night. I have deeply admired this man since I first heard about him a couple years ago. I saw some documentary of him where he was living in the suburbs, in a so called ”bad” neighborhood.. without warm water, without any comfortable facilities what so ever. He was going to work by metro like everyone else. For me.. this was stunning, since it was the first time ever that I’ve seen a politician think and act this way. For him.. it was important to put himself in the same position his voters were in.. to walk a mile in their shoes.. in order to be able to represent them in the best way possible. Now THAT is a real man. Talk about respect..! Wow..

This man has insights and a wisdom that other people only dream of ever achieving. And look where it got him… to the White House. Thank God America saw this man and believed in what he can do.. Thank God America chose Barack Obama. I’m overwhelmed and for the first time in a long time.. I feel that there is hope again. What a man..!

Today.. more than ever.. I wish I was with my american family. I know they are all happy about Barack Obama becoming the next President. I wish we could all be together and celebrate in some way. Maybe just by being together and feeling this hope awakening. I miss my boys so very much and I’m worried out of my mind about them.. All three of them. I just.. I miss them so much today. As always.. but even more so today.

Friday again.. the weeks pass by so quick it’s crazy. Which is both good and bad I guess.. time flies and I don’t have time to do even half of what I would want to and only a bit of what I need to. I’m constantly stressed out. But then again.. when time flies.. we get closer to the day when our boys are coming here to Sweden.. and that’s all good.

Anyways.. today was chaotic at work. Our new CEO was introduced today.. he doesn’t start until mid February.. but now they finally revealed who it was. I think it was a good choice and that things will be alright. I have to believe that.. and I want to.. so I will. For now at least. We also had a kick-off for the new company logo.  Then straight from work.. I drove to the shelter, where Sanna was waiting already. I was late due to the chaos at work and also the traffic. And by then.. Kirre was only minutes from being legally ours. Yay..! It took a while.. with the paperwork, the info, getting him in his transport cage.. *ss*.. and then that same killer traffic back home. I was so dead tired when we got home that I wanted to just pass out. But that didn’t happen.

Today started great though.. I got a pedicure early this morning and that was heaven. At least my feet are doing great today. That’s good… since nothing much else is doing that great. Except for Kirre being home of course. He’s amazing.. just as amazing as we thought and more. He’s walking around purring.. he’s so cuddly that he doesn’t know what paw to stand on.. *ss*.. He’s talking a lot.. and he’s exploring his new home in detail. He’s the cuddliest and most social cat I have ever seen. And he’s ours. He’s truly amazing.

And now.. I just found out my sister has gone into premature labour.. I know she’ll be okey and so will baby Dakota.. my God child.. but I’m still worried. Actually.. right now I’m a bit more worried about my brother JoeJoe.. the father.. who’s driving there in agony. I’m worried.. about the circumstances.. but I know she’ll be okey and the baby will be too. Finally we get to see her… baby Dakota. She just wants to be a Scorpio like her God Mother.. nothing wrong with that.

Also.. my Vincent took a MRI today and we haven’t heard the results yet.. I’m worried about him and I’m worried about Danny boy and Justin. I’m worried about Zachary. I’m just worried about everyone and everything. I wish I wasn’t so tired always. I’m so tired I have a hard time keeping it together actually.. which is why I should just wrap this up and bid you all a good night..

I really miss our boys bad.. really bad..

My God Daughter is born..! 5 pounds 1 ounce, 19 inches.. Welcome my beautiful Dakota. Good job my wonderful sister Christina..! I’m so proud of you both. Can’t wait to see her..! Congratulations JoeJoe, Christina, Andy and Morgan..! I’m beyond happy for you.

It’s actually amazing in many ways.. Dakota is premature.. just like my Sanna was. Her size at birth is almost exactly the same Sanna’s was.. and she’s born with a c-section after hours and hours of hard work that lead nowhere, just like my Sanna was. Dakota also wanted to be a Scorpio like her God Mother. YEAH..!!

And another thing that just made my day. Vincent is clear..! His MRI shows that he has no tumor or anything else that could be wrong. His headaches will go away and they are probably stress related. That was such a relief.. I’ve been worried out of my mind. I’m so happy he’s okey.. sweet, wonderful Vincent..

Time to make dinner.. and then we’ll talk with our girls Kelsey and Linda online later.. it’s gonna be a lot of fun. Is anyone out there reading this btw.. or am I just blogging for myself..? Leave comments people.. if you stop by here. Just say hi or whatever.. I’d love that..

Btw.. Kirre is doing great.. and he’s adjusting to his new home in an excellent way. He seems to like it here and he’s the cuddliest cat I’ve ever met. He talks a lot and he’s just perfect in every way. Life is so much nicer now that we have a cat in the house..!

Song of the day: I knew I loved you before I met you by Savage Garden

I hear a lot of sneezing today.. Our little darling King Kirre is sick. He’s sneezing and coughing and just feeling miserable. He’s eating a little though.. and he seems to be somewhat okey. We’ll give it a couple days to see what happens.

There’s some sneezing going on with my precious boys also.. Rickyman and Vincent got the flu bad. I wish they were here so I could pamper them. Their dad is doing an amazing job though and they’ll be alright. I only wish daddy gets the rest he needs also.. I’m worried about them.

I feel a bit icky today also.. my stomach hurts.. I’m slow, I’m tired, I’m a bit low. One of those days.. I’ve been working from home today and I got things done, but my mind has been all over the place. It’s been real stormy outside too.. but I kind of like that. I just.. I’m not feeling myself right now. I have too many worries. People always tell me not to worry so much. But how do you shut that off..? Can you shut that off..? I’ve tried.. but I can’t. It’s just the way I am.. and having a big part of my family so far away.. makes me worry even more. I miss them.. I really miss them bad today.

.. is filled with missing today..! Seriously. I didn’t know it could get much worse than what it has been the past few days, weeks. But I was wrong. Today, my whole being is really hurting from how much I’m missing. So what am I missing then..?

I miss my boys.. more than anything. They’re all sick now and it’s really bringing me down when I can’t do anything or be with them. I’m a bit of a control freak and not knowing what’s going on and how they are is really getting to me. I wish I wasn’t this way.. but I can’t help it. It just feels so wrong not to be together. Nothing will be right until we are together. My family. Oh God.. how I miss them. My baby and my boys are on my mind constantly. I want them home here with us so bad.

And this morning.. I had to drive to work and I had to leave a morning-cuddly daughter and a purring, cozy, soft cat at home. That was hard..! Harder than what I had expected it to be to be honest. Sanna will work from home today by editing pictures she needs to e-mail to her project buddy so they can finish up their project this week. I called them a while ago and I heard how Kirre was purring right next to Sanna.

I love my work.. I really do. I’m lucky enough to have a job I really love. Today.. well.. I’m doing what I have to do and it’s really nice to meet everyone here at the office. But I’m missing my baby girl and our beautiful, perfect cat.. and I just want to go home. And I will.. in a few hours.

So many things I want to do, need to do, should do, must do… I just wish I wasn’t so tired all the time..

Some wise words I have written down and keeping in sight here at work. Sometimes it’s good to remind yourself of those little things that are important.. those things we tend to take for granted. This is something that helps me a lot in my profession.. but also as a person:

When you speak..
you can only tell people what you know.
When you listen..
you can learn what other people know.

(author unknown)

It’s about taking time to listen to others.. really listen. Everyone has a story. Every act comes from a thought, a meaning, an intention. In my line of work.. I love the fact that I get paid to be curious and I get to meet new people and learn new things almost every day. It’s really amazing. Communication is the key to success.. in everything. Communication is not only about talking or writing.. it’s also about listening. And when you listen.. if you have the ability to put yourself in another persons situation in some sense.. then you’ve won a lot. You can never support or help another person whole heartedly unless you listen.. and not only that.. but also understand.

Oh well.. was that deep enough for you..? *s*.. Sorry about that. My thoughts just flying around. I’m gonna get on with making this magazine now. It’s a lot of fun.. thank God. But what I really want to do.. is to go home and cuddle with my baby girl and our cat. And I will… later..

Just an ordinary Wednesday. I had plans for this day to be a real good one.. I made plans last night to listen to a lot of music that makes me happy and to get a lot of things done. Well, things doesn’t always work out the way we planned.. do they..?!

I was in therapy this morning, and that felt okey.. So far so good and accordning to plan. I got back home and had breakfast with Sanna.. also a good thing and according to plan. Then I started working for a bit and I got hit by this extreme tiredness and I just had to lay down. I thought I would pass out.. and then the day has continued like that. I’m so tired it’s ridiculous.. my mind is all over the place.. I’m worried about a million things and I feel just really OFF. On top of that.. my stomach is really out of line. I don’t know if it’s stress or something else.. but it’s just terrible.. and painful. I can only say bathroom every other hour and nothing stays in. I hate this..

Some joyful things about today.. are there any..? Yeah, of course there is. Every day has a silver lining, even though it’s sometimes real hard to find it or see it. Today my beautiful sister gets released from the hospital with baby Dakota.. my God daughter. JoeJoe, Christina and the babies will be in Chicago for the rest of the week and that’s just great. I can imagine my sister going insane in the hospital so getting her out of there is all good.. for everyone.. *ss*. Someone better start taking pictures of that baby girl..!

Well.. I’m gonna try to eat something and watch Grey’s Anatomy.. and then talk to my baby online. I miss him a lot. I miss my boys.. I miss everyone. A lot. I hope my boys are feeling better soon.. Ricky and Vincent.. feel better my babies.. keep resting. That goes for you too Zachary..! Please.

We’re in mid November and today we got our first snow. It won’t stay.. more than maybe until tomorrow or the next day. But still. It somehow always feels a bit magic and special with the first snow. Even though I feel that it’s a bit too early. It could wait a few more weeks. I’m glad I got my car prepared for the winter though with winter tyres. Got that fixed a couple weeks ago.. because tomorrow morning will be slippery when I drop off Sanna at the station real early. I also want to grasp more of the autumn still. I love this season and it’s the time of the year when I usually feel most content. This year has been a bit so/so.. mostly because of my health and too much work. But there will be more autumns to enjoy.. in a more normal pace.

Kirre is the most amazing cat. He’s been with us here at home for a little more than a week now and he’s just such a joy to have around. He’s purring, talking, cuddling all the time. He’s so loving and so wonderful in every way.. and he’s funny.. *s*. We also know now that he only drinks water from the faucet.. never from a bowl. We need to get those little fountain things for cats so we get him to drink without having to walk into the bathroom and turn the faucet on and wait until he’s done drinking and then goofing with the water.

   

Some great news has come to us since last time I wrote.. I’m becoming an auntie again. My youngest brother Jens and his Jennie are having their third baby. The baby is due in April. It’s exciting and overwhelming. They have two gorgeous boys so we’re hoping for a baby girl.. but as long as the baby is healthy and all goes well.. it doesn’t really matter.

Which makes me think of my beautiful sister and baby Dakota of course. My God child.. I know they’re doing good and that they’ll be driving back home from Chicago today. I can’t wait to talk with my sister again and I can’t wait to see pictures of that beautiful baby girl.

I’m going to watch a movie with Sanna now.. and then make dinner. We’ll be talking with my baby later for a bit. He is still sick and so are our boys.. even though Rickyman seems to feel a lot better. He even said he’d go to school tomorrow. Vincent is still feeling real crappy though. Feel better sweethearts.. all of you. I know Markus is sick also. I miss my boys up to a point where it’s hard to handle right now.. it’s terrible.

Also.. my thoughts and my prayers goes to Justin and Danny boy. I’m with you.. and I’m always here for you. I love you so much..

All of a sudden.. the world turned all white. I woke up this morning.. sun shining from a clear blue sky, got out of bed and ran to the window.. pressed my nose against the window and felt like when I was 5 and saw the first snow of the winter. It made me happy. But that passed pretty quick.. I also realized it was shit cold, since it was windy and also that the roads would be slippery and the idiots that hasn’t prepared their cars for the winter would also be out driving.. like sissy’s.. pissing me off. Not to mention how much I hate shovelling. Didn’t come enough snow to shovel… YET.

Been a week since I blogged here. A stressful, eventful, crazy week. Workwise it’s been insane.. nothing short of insanity has ruled this weeks schedule. Unfortunatelly it seems to last another few days before it eases up a bit. I also had a birthday.. and I want to THANK everyone in my beautiful family ”over there” for all the amazing and heartwarming cards. I’m so touched.. and I’m so blessed to have you guys in my life. I really can’t wait to meet all of you. Emotionally and mentally the week has been up.. but also really down.

I also want to thank the bunch of you who’s been writing me the most overwhelming e-mails the past couple days. I’m so deeply touched and I will get back to you asap. I love you guys SO much..

My mother and my brother Tommy is here with us now. They got here on Thursday and on Friday we had a day and night downtown Stockholm. They got here to celebrate my b-day a few days late. How sweet of them. Oh.. and I got this double CD from my beautiful brother Tommy.. Agnetha Fältskog ”My very best”. Two CD’s.. one in swedish, one in english.. all her favourites from her career. AAAAHHHHH… I’m in heaven. This is nostalgia, happiness and a walk down memory lane all in one. He knows how to make his sister HAPPY.  Friday we also went to this amazing restaurant on Kungsgatan in Stockholm, called Bamboo Palace. They had this wok+sushi+ice-cream buffét and Sanna and I were like in heaven.. *S*. We also snuck into some interior decorating stores and the feeling of being in heaven continued.. at least for me .

Today is Saturday.. we’ve been hanging out at home most of today. We were down to the mall and to the supermarket back and forth earlier.. but that’s it. Tommy, Sanna and I were cooking and it turned out great. We’ve been watching some TV and just relaxing. And I’ve been working a bit.. had to. My beautiful Sanna has got the flu and she’s feeling crappy.. I hope she feels better soon. I’m talking with my man now.. and I miss him so much that it’s actually a physical pain. My boys are an ocean away and that just isn’t right. I miss them so bad.. love them so much. May they be able to come home soon..

I also talked with my beautiful niece Linda for a while today. She’s the sweetest.. Linda baby.. I’m with you and you are doing great. I’m so proud of you girl. I love you sweetheart and you are amazingly beautiful, you’re gorgeous. I can’t wait to see you start blogging too. You are so talented..!

Aaaaaand.. who else has started a blog..?! CALEB.. Yay..! Way to go bro..! I love you so much and I miss you like mad. I really have to talk with you soon. Seriously. When..? Give me a day.. now..!! *L*

Alright people.. let’s get on with things. And those of you who hasn’t started yet.. Get a blog..! And those of you who already has one… Write already..! *looking towards my bro Co…. *L*. I’ll get better at updating too. I love you guys.. so much. And my bambino’s.. I LOOOOVE YOU.

Yes, it could..! And it did..! Been snowing on and off all day.. it’s stormy also and they’re warning for blizzards tomorrow. Thank God I have the opportunity tomorrow to work from home. I will only drive Sanna, mom and Tommy to the station.. and then pick up Sanna tomorrow night, after school. Rest of the time I will stay indoors.. with my home uniform on.. working my ass off.. and enjoying the fact that I don’t have to be on the road anywhere.

Today was an okey day I guess.. We were invited to some friends for lunch and we drove there in the early afternoon to spend time with them. Food was good.. company was nice.. but I guess we were all a bit tired and I was a bit creeped out about the weather and the condition of the roads in this weather.. so we drove back after a few hours. Been watching some TV.. Tommy and I cooked dinner.. and then we ended up playing some board game in the evening. We laughed and had a good time. It felt great to spend that time with mom and Tommy.. since they’re leaving tomorrow and we won’t get together until maybe around Christmas next time.

Coltin.. Thank you so much for your blog today. You are the sweetest.. *s*. I can’t wait to start planning out my Winnie the Pooh room with you. I feel so honored that you’re willing to do this for me. It’s going to be amazing.. and we are going to have SO much fun. I’m actually starting to plan out my Pooh-corner here at home right now.. so I will send you pics and let you see a little bit of what I have so far.. which is only a fraction of what I want to have.. but anyways.. *s*.. You’ll get the idea though.

My Linda Lovelight.. You are such a brave, wonderful, amazingly beautiful and overwhelmingly brilliant young woman. My beautiful niece. I love you so much and I am so proud of you that I’m about to burst. I mean it. I know how hard today has been for you.. but today you did something amazing for yourself. I will be with you every step of the way. I swear. I’ve got you baby girl.. I love you so much.

Caleb.. you’re nuts and I love that.. *L*.. You make me laugh and God knows I need that right now. I can’t wait to talk with you on Tuesday. Seriously. I love your blog. I love the way you write. I love you. Nutcase..! *L*

My boys.. Vincento and Rickyman.. I’m so proud of you two. You make me beam with pride and I just love you so much it’s crazy. I miss you horribly and I can’t wait to have you home here with us. Sanna.. my sweet, darling baby girl.. You are my pride and joy. Tomorrow it’s just you and I again and I know we need that for a while now. We have great plans for the near future and we’ll just have a lot of fun.. right..?!

Zachary.. my man, my best friend, my heart and soul. I know today sucks in many ways. The restlessness is taking the best of us, the missing is just being a bitch.. more than usual today. The missing is turning more and more into a physical pain that it’s getting harder to handle. I’m with you though.. always. I love you more than you’ll ever understand. Remember love.. don’t act.. Be you. Be the wonderful man you let me see.. show him to everyone else too. You can and you should. I love you.

I can’t believe it.. we had a snowstorm that lasted for a good 24 hours. Enough already..! It’s really sweet and cute and emotional when the first snow lands.. but hey.. we’re good now. That white crap is all over now. I don’t mind it laying all over actually.. brightening up a lot. Yeah.. that’s nice. But the roads. Our road. I hate shovelling. That’s like God’s punishment to mankind.

Stressed out.. yeah, that’s not even beginning to describe the current situation here. I have deadlines to meet with the magazine and I’m busting my ass with this. I feel guilty for a lot of things.. I don’t have enough time to do what I would want to do.. or even the things I need to do. It’s crazy. I really hope things ease up a bit soon. The Holidays are about being relaxed and joyful, right..? Well.. yeah, right.. *rolling my eyes*

I’m talking with my baby.. my daughter.. and my amazing brother Justin tonight. Justin is telling us how he’s thinking of going back to school. Medical school. He really should. He’s so talented, so brilliant and he’s got this genuine care for people.. plus he has a golden heart. Not taking care of that talent would be such a waste. Justin honey.. come on..! I will be with you every step of the way.. and so would all the other 145 brothers and sisters we have.. *L*.. Go for it honey..!

Tomorrow is another day.. a Tuesday. Go figure.. Workday.. So I’m gonna talk with my man, my bro and my daughter online for a little longer.. and then work some more.. and then sleeeeeeep. I probably have to shovel in the morning before we can drive anywhere. The plough wasn’t here yet.. and I’m not doing it until it has been here. So there. Now it’s official.. as if you didn’t know that before. I hate shovelling. Almost as much as washing the windows.

My babies.. have a great day tomorrow.. in school, at home, at work.. wherever you are. I love you my children.. and my Zachary.. my brothers and sisters.. my Mama Fran.. my nieces, my nephews.. my whole world. Oh.. and thank God we have Kirre. He actually helps me breathe more normal here.. and so does Sanna. Thank you..!

Today feels unbalanced. I don’t know how to explain that closer.. but I just feel a bit thrown off. I haven’t gotten enough sleep in a while and I’m really tired.. and I believe that’s the biggest reason to how I feel. I know it will get better.. I have no doubt. It just really sucks to be in the midst of this feeling.

We have got a lot of snow and I have mixed feelings about that. Basically it’s okey and it brightens up a bit.. especially now when it’s dark already a little after 3 in the afternoon. I don’t mind driving in this weather, unless there’s a blizzard. You just have to adjust your driving to the weather conditions.. no problem. My winter tyres are also in good shape.. so I’m good.

I’m working like mad. I have to finish this magazine this week.. I actually have to get it done before Thursday morning. That is as far as I’ve been able to stretch the deadline. I had hoped it would have been done, printed and delivered already.. but there had to be a change of plans. So tonight and tomorrow will be a lot about work. Tomorrow I have to finish it.. or before 8 AM on Thursday to be correct. I’ll get it done. Being a control freak and a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to work is not always a good thing. Everything takes more time.. I just can’t hand over anything I’m not satisfied with though.. my work ethics and my pride prevents me from handing over something I haven’t fully approved.

I’m now going to wrap this up and start getting ready for departure.. *s*. Sanna just called me and she’s off from school and on her way here. I’m at work and she’s getting off the train here so we can drive home together. I’ve missed her more than usual today and I also miss our Kirre like crazy. Not to mention how much I miss my boys.. Zachary, Vincent and Ricky. I’m a bit worried about them as well.. Ricky got sick last night and a good guess is that the others caught it too. I hope not, but I have a feeling they did.

Last night I talked with my amazing brother Justin. He’s moving into our house any day now and I’m so happy about that. I’m even more happy about him getting back to med school..!! WAY TO GO JUSTIN..! You rock bro. You’ll do great and I’m totally here for you. I love you.

Tonight we’ll be talking with Caleb.. another one of the amazing brothers. Been looking forward to that and it’s gonna be a lot of fun. I love him and miss him too. I love and miss all my brothers and sisters. I really do miss you guys..

Today’s song: Viva la vida by Coldplay.. it’s stuck in my head for some reason.. the chorus that is..

Tomorrow morning at 9. That’s it.. I’ve stretched it as far as I can but tomorrow morning at 9 it has to be sent in to the printers. The magazine. I probably have to work all night, but then again.. I’ll be sleeping a lot tomorrow. Friday the magazine will be delivered to work and I’ll be able to distribute it from there. Oh man.. I can’t wait until Friday evening.. This weekend will be special. It will be relaxing and fun.. right Sanna..? *ss*

Sanna and I have been to this VIP-night in some interior decorating places about 20 minutes from where we live. So I was REALLY in a great mood when we got the invitations. We’re members there so… We did find some really nice stuff that we got and we’ll be starting to decorate on Sunday, which is the first of Advent. 

I’ve been talking with Mama Fran tonight.. that’s always lifting my spirits. She’s one heck of a woman.. the best there is. I love her SO much.. she’s so funny too. I know tomorrow is Turkey Day and everyone will be together and being busy. Hey you guys.. Happy Thanksgiving.. Next year we’ll be together..! I love you all.. so much.

Gotta get on with work.. that deadline is getting closer and closer..

Yeeaahhh.. Magazine is done. It’s almost 7:30 in the morning. I did work all night.. and if I wasn’t this tired, I’d be deliriously happy. I sent it. I will go to the office tomorrow morning.. Friday, that is.. and distribute the magazine.. but I DID IT. I made it. It’s done. I’m done.. in more ways than one.

I’m going to lay down for an hour now.. then wake up Sweet Sanna.. make sure her day starts in a good way and drop her off at the station. But then.. when I’ve done that.. and come back home..

… I’ll sleep. Oh man.. I will sleeeeeeep. At least a few hours. And tonight, I’ll go to bed early. I promised myself that. I want to be in my right mind this weekend when Sanna and I have planned a lot of fun stuff.. so I’m going to take care of myself enough to at least be awake enough to have fun.  I’ll get back on here later today.. I know it’s Turkey Day across the ocean..

To all my family and friends and loved ones across the ocean – Happy Thanksgiving..! I know you’re gathered around the table, enjoying Mama Fran’s delishious cooking and hopefully having a wonderful time in every way. I wish Sanna and I were there too.. and we are, in spirit. I can almost see you guys there..

There are so many things to be thankful for. First and foremost everyone being at our house right now. I’m thankful for each and everyone of you. My three boys in particular. Zachary, Vincent, Ricky.. I’m eternally grateful and thankful that you are a part of my life. I love you so much more than you can ever imagine. I’m so proud of you and you are the lights of my life. My whole being is aching to be near you, to hold you and to finally be able to be your wife and mother. And Danny boy.. it’s so wonderful that you are there with everyone. I’m so happy you got out of the hospital in time to eat turkey.. *s*. Tommy and Dion.. and your children. Isn’t life just amazing..? Next year you’ll have two more *s*. Kelsey, Linda, Nickel and Tony.. I’m so so so happy that you are there too. Life has thrown you some rough bumps to climb over, but you’re safe now.. and loved.. and an important part of this family. I love you guys so much. Mama Fran.. what in the world would we do without you..?! I don’t know and I never want to find out. You are a Superwoman and you are my hero. I admire you so much and I love you like mad. Thank you for being you. And there’s one more person that I have to mention.. the one that I’m so amazed by and so proud over.. a person that brightens up every second of my life.. who makes this world a much better place.. who dazzles me with smartness, humor, heart. My pride and joy.. my beautiful, fantastic, wonderful Sanna.

And to everyone else celebrating Thanksgiving in our house today.. I love you so much. I miss you all.. and I can’t wait for all of us to be together. God bless you all.. you are in my thoughts always.

It’s been a good weekend and I can’t believe we’re stepping into December as from tomorrow. Time really flies. I’ve been working hysterically and it has taken a toll on me. I can’t wait to get a couple days off around Christmas. I’m feeling very torn about Christmas. I want to stay at home.. but then again, mom wants us to go to Norrköping. We’ll see what we end up doing. At least we started to decorate a little bit here at home.

Tomorrow is my baby boy’s 15th birthday. I can’t believe he’s already 15. When I got to know his dad, he was 5.. and I guess a part of me will always see him as the 5 year old. He’s now a young man. He’s handsome, smart and wonderful in every way.. but he’ll always be my baby boy. CONGRATULATIONS RICKYMAN.. I know you were celebrated last night.. and I really wish I could have been there. I miss you so much and I love you like mad.

Yesterday Sanna and I had a wonderful day together. First we had breakfast at McDonald’s.. my favourite. Then we went to IKEA – another favourite *s*. We got the shelves we wanted and a few other things.. and then we drove downtown Stockholm. We strolled around and went in some stores.. just had a good time. We found some nice things here and there. We also bought some beautiful flowers and plants for Christmas at the market and some fruits and veggies as well. Today we’ve been at our friend Laila’s work.. she owns this printing company with her mother and brother. She’s also doing glass art as a hobby.. and she has had a few successful exhibitions during this past year. Now she was selling out whatever was left from these exhibitions. Really nice. It was also really great to see her again.. we talk on the phone on and off but we rarely meet.. we’re both too busy. Stupid.. but true. Both Sanna and I love and adore her. She’s a really cool person. Here’s a couple pics from the market downtown Stockholm. We love this.. The first one is of the market with the concert hall in the background. That’s where they hand out the Nobel Prices every year. The other picture is with the PUB-house in the background. That’s one of Stockholm’s oldest department stores. Third pic is of Sergelarkaden.. where the market we just saw is behind us. I love the Christmas ornaments, but they don’t look as cool in daylight as they do when it’s dark. And the last pic is of our beautiful Kirre, just being the wonderful bundle of joy and love he is.. when he’s laying in Sanna’s bed, purring and being cuddly. Sanna took that pic of him.

     

This coming week is early week for Sanna in school.. so we’ll be trying a new approach and get to bed earlier to have a chance of a good nights sleep. So we’ll just do that in a little bit. I’m glad this was a good weekend on all ends. I know my boys had a good weekend also and that means the world to me. I miss them so much and I want them here with us more than anything. It’s really hard to be without them.. it’s always hard, but this time of year makes it even harder.

Today my beautiful baby boy, my Rickyman turns 15. I can not believe he’s already 15 years old. He was 5 when I first got to know him. I hope you’re having a good day sweetheart and we will celebrate again when we’re together. I promise. We have a lot of birthdays to catch up on.. we’ll have one heck of a party.. *s*. I love you so much Cubby and I am so incredibly proud of you. You’re the best sweetheart. Always feel me with you.. because I am.

Another month.. the last one of this year. The Holidays are getting closer and I’m still feeling very torn about them. At least Sanna and I got to change the kitchen curtains today. At last. Good job Sanna..! Thank you for helping me out.

Wrapping this up with a picture of how 16 pounds of love looks like.. *s*. This is one of his favourite places in the house. He has a few of them.. but this is where we find him ever so often.. bathroom basin. I love you guys.. I miss my boys so much it’s driving me insane. Keep healing Zacky.. I need you to take our boys home to their mama.. and I need you here. I really need you here.

Did you know that the feeling of missing can become a physical pain..? I wouldn’t have believed that some years ago. Now I know it’s true. I miss my Zachary, my Ricky and my Vincent so much that it has become a pain that is very real. A pain that follows me always and everywhere.. in whatever I do, think, say. This pain is getting more and more intense. It shows in the way my shoulders and neck are tense, in the way I sometimes breathe in a shallow way.. it shows in the way I ever so often have to swallow this lump in my throat because it threatens to break me down in tears.. even standing at the Supermarket or wherever. It also shows in the way my heart aches every second of every day. My man is not with me. My boys aren’t in my arms. Sanna and I are here.. far away.. and our boys are across the ocean.. out of reach. That’s pain. Real pain. That pain will not ease until we’re all together.. until our family is united. Nothing will be right until that day. Nothing. Oh God.. I miss my boys so much.. so so much. Unless you were an ocean away from the people that means the most to you.. there is no way you can imagine this pain. You might think that you can.. but you really can’t. I know Zacky, Ricky, Vincent and Sanna knows. Oh.. do they ever.

It’s been an okey day so far. We had some friends over that we haven’t met in a long time. A mother and her daughter.. Anne-Lis and Jennifer. We had dinner together and we had a lot of fun.. laughing and talking and cathcing up. They’re loving, warm people.. great to be around. I’m now tired as always.. I thought about soaking myself into a warm bath and try to relax for a bit. I might fall asleep while in the tub though.. Later on tonight I’m going to talk with my Rickyman and with my Zacky. Tomorrow we have a date with Vincent. We didn’t get to talk yesterday.. due to technical problems.. Maybe that’s why the missing part bumped up and felt even worse today.. I can’t wait for our boys to come home..

I have to show another picture of the most beautiful cat in the world.. our King Kirre. Isn’t he something..?! This is one of his favourite places in the house.. his own chair.. *s*

There are some days when I find that my words are kind of lost. Like today. I felt that I wanted to blog, but I honestly don’t have anything meaningful to say. It’s just another day. The weather has been shittier than ever.. rain and a little bit of snow, that turned into more rain. I’ve been at work.. Sanna was there with me, partially.. she didn’t feel that good today. Many people at work told her how much alike her and I are.. and I think that didn’t make her feel any better.. *ss*. Time has just passed by. A lot to do.. but I’m nearly out of energy all together.

Now I’m talking with my baby and I just found out that our oldest boy’s best friend has OD’d and our Vincent has to identify him because his parents won’t claim him.. they refuse to. MY GOD. What kind of people is that..? They weren’t there for their only son, only child when he was alive.. but they could at least give him a respectful farewell. I’m extremely proud of Vincent.. but I’m also worried about him. He is taking this so hard. Vincent.. sweetheart.. I’m here for you. Always. Forever.

Tomorrow is Friday.. Thank God.. I am so so so tired.. Hopefully the words are found again by tomorrow..

My Vincent.. my thoughts are mostly with you today. Your best friend is gone.. I loved Toby for being your best friend for a long time. God handed him to you at one point and you had some great times together throughout the years. God also took him away. Toby made some bad choices and he ended up in a situation he wasn’t able to handle anymore. I know you want to protect the memory of Toby the way he was behind the drugs.. and I think that is the right thing to do. Remember him and honor him for who he really was. It’s so sad that things ended the way they did.. and it’s even more sad that you have to deal with this in a way that you shouldn’t need to. His so called parents are almost criminally stupid for disowning their only child and leaving his body along with the arrangements for his funeral on you. That is just insane. But they will have to live with that for the rest of their lives and that won’t be easy. That won’t be easy at all and that’s comforting to know, to be honest. They should suffer.

We can’t change what has happened as bad as we’d want to. But we can do something about what we have on our hands now. We will do everything together Vincent. You are not alone. You are not alone for a second in this. Your family is with you and you will have Maggie by your side too. It will be okey.. and you will be okey. I promise.

Ricky.. my baby boy.. I know you are real sad too. Toby was also your friend and you loved him. I heard today that you have been a wonderful support for your big brother and I’m not surprised. You are the best support anyone could ever ask for and I’m so incredibly proud of you. But baby.. how are you holding up..? I want you to know that I am here for you too.. anytime, in anyway I can. I love my boys so much.. and I miss you beyond belief.

Friday night.. or technically Saturday morning, since the clock has passed midnight here a while ago. Friday was an okey day.. Went to work early.. drove downtown Stockholm to have lunch with my Sanna.. drove home.. watched some TV.. chilled for a bit.. and then we’ve been talking with our boys online for a while. Now it’s time to get some rest though. Tomorrow will be about getting stuff done around the house.. preparing a bit for the Holidays.

I feel so blessed to have my family.. the best family in the world.. Thank you VRASZ for being the coolest, most loving,  perfect bunch in the universe..! LOVE..!

Sanna and I have been doing some work around the house today. Not as much as we would have wanted to.. but more than what we have in a while. We changed the curtain rod (new looks GREAT) and the curtains. Curtains are now black.. really cool. It took a while and it got tricky there.. but now it just looks great. Thank you Sanna.. I don’t know what I’d do without you . Let’s see how much we get to do tomorrow before we’re driving to Ingalill and Janne’s for the pre-Christmas party tomorrow night. It’ll be fun.. it’s a tradition and it helps us get into that special fuzzy christmas mood. We’ve also been listening to some beautiful Christmas music today.. Celine Dion, Josh Groban, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin… Beautiful.

I am thinking a lot about my Vincent. I’m thinking a lot about my boys in general.. but especially Vincent. I know he’s in the middle of this nightmare still. Vincent baby.. it will ease though. It doesn’t feel like that now, but it will. Give yourself some time. Start with a couple days.. Allow yourself to eat, sleep, chill.. We will deal with everything together and we will get through this. I promise honey. I know you wish you could change what has happened, but nobody can sweetheart. You can have a say on how the rest of Your life will be though and make the right choices for yourself. I know you will honey.. and I want you to know and to feel that I am with you, every step of the way.

Sanna, Vincent, Ricky, Zachary.. I love you so much more than I can say. You are always with me.. You have my heart and my soul.

I almost forgot.. Oh man.. how could I..?

Today has been Independence Day in Finland. It’s been 91 years today since they became independent and a thing like that is always worth being remembered and celebrated. Sanna and I have been talking about it.. and we lid some candles tonight to acknowledge our roots.. where we come from. We think of that beautiful country ever so often and we love it. We miss going there and we miss the loved ones that are there. I hope we can go there sometime this coming year. That would be awesome. The land of the Thousand Lakes.. it’s as beautiful as it sounds.

So.. Congratulations Finland on your Independance. I’m so proud to be a daughter of that beautiful country..!

Today is the second Sunday in Advent.. and we’re counting down to Christmas. Christmas always comes after the fourth Sunday of Advent. So this morning we got to light the second candle of four in our special Advent candle holder. We usually do that for breakfast on Sundays in December.. it’s a nice tradition.

Today we were also invited to our good friends Ingalill and Janne. Every year.. around this time of year, they host a pre-Christmas get-together for those Ingalill works with. I am a part of that since I’m the editor of their magazine.. so Sanna and I are invited too. We were around 20 people there tonight.. and it was real nice. The whole house is filled with this Christmas feeling.. the decorations, the scent from the hyacints, the mold wine, the ginger bread cookies.. and all the candles that are lid. Sanna and I took the pictures below.. and they only show a little part of what was there tonight..

I’ve been talking with my Rickyman for a while now.. he’s so sweet and so funny. I miss him so much.. I miss my boys so much it’s driving me insane. I can’t wait to get them home.. I’m now talking with my Zachary.. and I’m worried sick about my Vincent. I know now that things will work out good though.. something good happened today. But it’s so sad it had to be this way in the first place.

   

Yeah.. stressed out. That’s me. I’m working on a magazine that should have been sent to the printers yesterday.. but I got the main drafts for it today, so I haven’t had a lot of material to edit until today. Anyways.. it has to be sent no later than 7 AM tomorrow. Stress… Yeah..! I’m freezing my butt off and my face is all warm.. now, isn’t that strange..?! I’m tired and I’m pissed since my body doesn’t do what i want it to do.. it doesn’t act the way it should and that bums me out too. I will be alright though. I have another magazine to do after this.. but I have a whole week to work with that one.. starting tomorrow.

My mind keeps wandering elsewhere.. to my boys across the ocean. I really miss them badly and I can’t wait to get them home. SO much will be different when we’re together at last. When our lives can begin.. when this family is complete and in the same place at the same time. We will all heal from that day and forward.. and life will change for the better that very second we wrap each others arms around one another in a huge group hug at the airport. I can’t wait.. I really can’t wait..

So.. I got the one magazine done early this morning and it’s being printed as I write this. It felt great to let go of it and I think it turned out pretty okey. I hope the readers agree.. *ss*.

One magazine is done.. now there’s only one more to go then. Before Christmas. I’ve already started with it today and I have scheduled interviews and photo shoots for tomorrow. I have to be done with it in a week from today to be able to distribute it next Friday, on the 19th. After that.. I might just take it a little easy for a little while. At least when it comes to work. Things will slow down automatically because of the Holidays.

I’m still at work now.. and I’m waiting to hear from sweet Sanna. I’m hoping she’ll be on a train real soon. She’s getting off the train here so we can drive home together. It’s been a while since we ate Spaghetti Bolognese.. and Sanna does the meanest Bolognese you ever tasted.. so I’m looking forward to dinner tonight..

I miss my baby real bad.. and my boys. Ricky is doing amazing in school, Vincent wrote the eulogy for Toby’s funeral tomorrow.. I’m so incredibly proud of them both. Sanna is doing great in school also.. and I couldn’t be more proud of her either.. she’s my angel. And my darling.. is taking care of himself and healing.. so that we can be together soon. Ohhh God, I miss you so much.. my boys..

And now sweet Sanna texted.. she’s on her way. YAY.. so I’ll wrap this up.. I’ll wrap everything up here and I’ll be on my way. It’s pitch dark outside and it’s raining/snowing.. Can’t wait to cuddle with the daughter and the cat.. and the couch.. *ss*

The weeks just rush by.. or so it feels. It’s both good and bad. I don’t have time to do everything I would want to do.. so I feel frustration and stress. But the faster the time passes by.. the quicker my boys will be home. That is the main goal.. for my family to be together at last.. for our lives to begin.

My beautiful niece Linda turns 16 today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL..! Good luck with the drivers test. You are amazing in every way and I love yo so much. I hope you have the best day ever today. I wish I could be there with you to celebrate.

So far.. it’s just been an ordinary Friday here. I dropped off Sanna at the station when she was going to school. I’ve been working, working and then working some more. I’m tired and I’m feeling a bit off. I think it’s from being so overtired though. I’m so glad it’s Friday.. the weekend awaits. I will have to work a bit, but hopefully not too much. Tomorrow we are invited to some friends for dinner in the afternoon.. but Sunday we’ll stay at home and do everything we didn’t have time to or strength left to this week.. *ss*. We will also take in the Christmas tree and decorate it. That will take a few hours.. But it’s still Friday now.. it’s the finale of Swedish Idol tonight and we’re rooting for Kevin Borg to win.. even though Alice is really good too.

I miss my boys terribly. I know Vincent might have that hollow feeling today.. the day after the funeral. But then again.. he could also be at peace now. It’s been so incredibly stressful for him since his best friend Toby died. Maybe he was able to make some kind of a closure yesterday. I hope so. I know it’ll take time for the sadness and the missing to fade though. He knows I’m here for him.. we all are. As we are for Rickyman and Sanna too. Always. Zachary is the love of my life and I miss him beyond belief right now.. I won’t feel complete until he’s here.. there’s no need to even try. Nothing will be right before our family is united.

Today’s song: Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer by Dean Martin

Today we celebrate Saint Lucia up here in the cold and dark North. Even though the truth is that you have more snow and colder weather right now than what we do here. The Saint Lucia is a real nice tradition here and you should click the link and watch the 2 minutes to see what I’m talking about. It’s a lot more than what you see on that tiny clip, but you get an idea. It’s nice.. and it also points out that Christmas in only a week and a half away.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANNY BOY.. My sweet, wonderful brother Danny celebrates his birthday today. I am so proud to be his sister and I really, really miss him. I can’t wait to meet him. I’ve heard a lot about what a ray of Sunshine he is and how he is all about joy and happiness. I hope you had a great birthday Danny Boy..! A lot of hugs and kisses for you..

Today Sanna and I have been with real good friends, who invited us to dinner at their house. We laughed a lot and it was just a really great and relaxing few hours.. the food was also fantastic, as always there. Raili and Charlotte are one of our oldest friends here.. a mother and daughter.. Really great and down to earth people. Today has also been a big day for Mama Ojala and our brother Tommy here. They’ve moved into their new place today and they love it.  This will be their first night there. They are really happy and excited about their new place. Also.. it’s 39 years today.. since my mom and dad got married.. so it’s an anniversary.. but since my dad passed away in 1995.. it hasn’t been on our minds like it used to be. Sanna and I remembered it though.

I’m talking to my beautiful Zachary right now.. it got a bit deeper than usual today, but it was important and something good came out of it I think. Sometimes you need those eye-opening conversations.. especially when you start just going with the flow and you don’t really see where you’re heading anymore. We just might be getting back on track now though.. I hope we are. I miss my boys more than ever.. the pain from being without them is constant and it’s getting harder to deal with for each passing day. Zacky baby.. do whatever you can to be able to come home soon. Please.

Today’s song: Angel of mine by Evanescence

Alright.. so today is the Third of Advent.. which means it’s only one more Sunday before Christmas. I’m feeling a bit stressed out about how time flies. Sanna and I had a pretty good day today. We’ve been hanging out a bit.. I also got the patio ready for the winter, which felt really good. I’ve been meaning to do that for a few weeks now. Today I finally got it done and I’m kind of proud of myself for that. We also did some cool stuff today.. of which the coolest was to get the Christmas tree in and decorate it. Kirre has been wondering what the hell we have been up to..

My God.. I’m always sweating, cursing and going insane over those stupid lights.. but once they’re there.. I really enjoy decorating it with Sanna and it’s so beautiful to see. It brings some kind of a Holiday feeling.. We also did some other Christmas decorations around the house. We’re not nearly done yet.. but we’re on our way. We have one more week to go.. and oh boy, do we need that week.. This coming week will be filled with a lot of work for both Sanna and I. She has some final examinations and I have a shitload of work and a magazine to edit and distribute this week. Sanna also has an early week in school so we need to get into bed pretty early at nights..

Today.. we were also doing some frosting patterns on the gingerbread cookies. It started off great.. but then the plastic bag we used bursted.. and well… you can see that it didn’t go that well.. So here’s some pictures from today.. the Christmas tree.. one of the ornaments, looking just like me.. *ss*.. and then the gingerbread cookies.. They tasted great though. I’m talking with my baby.. and we’re about to say goodnight. Our Rickyman has been the chef in the house tonight and they are having chicken. I’m sure he’s doing great.. and our Vincent is on a game with Niko.. which feels great..! I hope he’s having a good time and I also hope I get to talk with my boys soon. I miss them so much it’s driving me crazy. For real.

     

Time really flies.. or so it feels sometimes. And sometimes time can’t pass fast enough. Anyways.. it’s Monday today and this will be the last whole week in school and at work for this year. Sanna goes to school for about an hour on Friday.. and then she’s on Christmas break. She’s got a bunch of examinations that has to be done this week though.. And I have that one magazine to finish before Thursday morning.. so we’re both swamped with work. Next week is Christmas.. and we’ll be driving to Norrköping for a few days.. and the week after that.. it’s New Years, which we’ll be celebrating home. And then.. well.. then we welcome 2009. I have some hopes and dreams for this year.. and I’ll keep praying for them to come true.

As for today.. it’s been about work mostly. I have started to feel a bit uncomfortable in my throat, which scares me a little bit.  I really can’t get sick now. I’ll just keep drinking warm tea and taking care of myself the best way I can. This week we need to sleep somewhat normal to make the tough schedule we both have here. We also need to eat good and take care of ourselves.. why is that always so hard..?

Now.. it’s time to make some dinner.. first we need to go back and forth to the store. My thoughts are across the ocean.. as always. I hope my boys are doing okey. I know the weather, or rather the condition on the roads there has kept them from doing what was scheduled for today.. My Zachary didn’t make it to the doc.. and our Rickyman didn’t have to go to school. I’m sure he didn’t mind though.. . I know he’s studying hard for his finals this week and I also know he’ll do great. I love my boys so much and oh God, do I miss them.. Zacky baby.. keep resting. I love you guys so much.

Today was last day at work before Christmas. I can’t even begin to describe how wonderful that feels right now. I haven’t blogged in a few days.. much because of a ridiculous amount of work that had to be done, a magazine had to be done and delivered.. and I’ve also caught some stupid bug so I’ve been feeling kind of sick the past days. It’s been a very emotional week also where I found out some real sad news about a couple friends and collegues of mine. Three women.. I have special bonds with everyone of them in different ways.. and they all got cancer. Helena is the same age as I am.. alone with two teenage kids.. she’s on her second round of cancer.. this time in her liver.. but doing somewhat okey for the time being. Marianne.. got diagnosed late this summer.. got rid of the cancer in the lymph glands, but has still got it in her bone marrow. That is something you can live with though.. even though it’s malign.. it isn’t that aggressive. And then there’s Maria. My dear friend and collegue. I’ve known her for about 15 years. She’s got a lifestory that doesn’t compare to most people’s.. she’s one of the most strong and amazing women I’ve ever known. But now she’s dying. She’s in a hospice.. she was diagnosed with three different kind of cancer earlier this year. Sanna and I are going to meet Marianne tomorrow.. and Maria on Monday.  This has affected me a lot this week and it helps you to get things in perspective a bit also.. to really appreciate what you’ve got even more.

So it’s been quite an emotional journey this week.. and a stressful few days. But now.. I have a christmas break and I am so relieved and happy about that. Tomorrow we’re going to our friend Ingalill’s to make some christmas candy together.. after we drop off a flower arrangement at Marianne’s first. So today is a good day.. it’s Friday and I try to ignore my cold the best way I can.. The remaining days up until Christmas will be about getting ready for the holidays and us going to Norrköping. But I hope we get some time to chill also.. and just relax and catch up on some rest. Sanna has christmas break now too.. starting today.

My boys are on my mind constantly. Our youngest son Ricky got the results of his finals back today and CONGRATULATIONS RICKYMAN.. straight A’s. That’s my boy.. I’m so proud of you baby.. you did amazing. You blow my mind.. I knew you’d do great though.. and you did beyond great. I love you so much. And our oldest son Vincent.. he’s started to feel a bit better again as from today. He had a really hard couple weeks when his best friend died. I’m beyond happy that you’re feeling better Vincent baby.. I love you so much. And my Zachary.. the love of my life. I hope you feel better soon. I know you caught a cold and I am so glad you have been resting a lot. Keep doing that. I hope you guys get around to make some plans to come home this weekend.. that would be the best Christmas gift. I love you.. I miss you.. so so much.

Saturday.. candy day.. Well.. it has been candy day in a way. We went to our friend Ingalill’s house to make some christmas candy today.. it was okey, even though most of it was done when we got there. But.. Sanna and I stopped at the Candy Cave in Enköping before we drove out to Ingalill.. and they have like 700 different kind of candy that you pick out and mix the way you want it. We are set for a couple days.. *L*. Yes Ricky, we are taking you there when you come home.. ! *L*.. We are planning to have a couple days with watching movies, eating candy, walking around in our pj’s and not doing anything but relaxing and feeling good. That’s the plan.. we’ll see how it turns out. We’ll just cuddle with the cat and each other.. and hang out. It’s been a while since we were able to do that. We thought we’d go for it now before Christmas.. to kind of build up some strength for those days.

Yeah.. those days.. called Christmas. We’ll be in Norrköping and we’ll have no connection to the net.. no chance to write,  to communicate. That doesn’t feel good. Not good at all. But what can we do..?! We just have to live through it. And we will.. And by the time we get back home.. it’s almost New Years.. and once we have that one behind us as well.. we’ll be able to count weeks, days until our boys are home with us.. YAY. I love you and miss you so much.. my boys.

AND.. I can not forget to wish our brother Brody welcome to this insane circus that our family is. I’m SO happy you found your way to us.. and even more happy that you are spending Christmas with everyone. No work Brody.. Only a lot of fun.. and bonding..! So welcome Brody.. and feel loved, because you are..

Today.. I saw my dying friend Maria. It felt both good and so incredibly sad at the same time. Her appearance was different of course.. and she had aged a lot. Her body was nothing like it has been and some of the bigger tumors were even visible through her skin. What a horrible disease it is. Cancer. She was so happy to see Sanna and I.. We talked.. we hugged and kissed.. we went to the chapel they have there, we lid some candles and prayed together also. Today really touched me deep.. We will see her again on Monday next week.. I hope she’s still with us then.

Almost Christmas now.. tomorrow will be stressful and we have a lot we need to get done before we leave on Wednesday morning. I don’t want to think about Christmas right now.. it’s just a necessary must at this point in time. I’ll just get through it somehow. I’ll be happy to see my brothers and my mother.. and to be with my Sanna. I miss my boys.. I miss them more than ever. Vincent has a broken hand.. and he’s suffering from post traumatic stress also.. Zachary.. is.. I don’t know. Stressed out I think. Ricky.. is being an angel and helping out a lot wherever he’s needed. I love you all so much.. and I miss you. Bad.

Today has been a busy day. Sanna and I have been downtown shopping our asses off. We had a blast.. We ate Japanese.. because it’s Independence Day in Japan.. CONGRATS JAPAN..! And we had a few hours in a really cool salon.. got our hairs done. That was really awesome. We did some ass kick shopping also.. and then ate some Nacho’s at Taco Bar before we started to head for home and some more shopping nearby. We had to get some presents for the cat too.. *s*

But.. now it’s time to say Merry Christmas to everyone. May your Christmas be the way you want it to be.. may the snowflakes dance in your hair.. and may you be as happy as you can be. I really wish that everyone’s dreams come true in some way or another. I wish everyone a peaceful, joyful Christmas.. We’ll be back home by this weekend.. I love you all.. And for my boys.. Feel my love surrounding you. Always and everywhere.

 

This is a very special day for me. Today is the anniversary of when my Mummi became a Christmas Angel. Today is 21 years since she passed away. She was my guiding light.. my only safety and love in the rough world I was living in as a child. She taught me right from wrong.. she made me the person I am today.. at least the foundation of it. I always looked up to her in admiration.. and even more so now as an adult, when I realize what she went through in her life. She was widowed twice.. she raised three children alone with only the skills of a seemstress to help bring food to the table. She was born in 1908.. and she was by far the strongest and most amazing woman in the whole world. And as hard as her life had been.. she always had so much love and wisdom to give to others. In my world as a child.. she was the one who knew everything. And I mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. And if there was a time when she didn’t actually know.. she found out. She always made me feel loved and safe. I was always with her.. and those are the happiest memories of my life. It was always me and her. We had something very special.. Up until 21 years ago today.

She used to tell me that I should never stop talking with her.. even after she couldn’t answer me back anymore. So I haven’t.. and I won’t. I still talk with her sometimes. I feel her presence. I have this sadness that she never met my Sanna.. but in some way, I’m totally convinced that she’s with the both of us still. I also believe that she knows how much I love my Zachary.. my Vincent and my Rickyman.. and I believe she will do whatever she can from where she is.. to make sure they can come home in March.

So Mummi.. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.. for giving me so much love and happiness, safety and wisdom. Thank you for holding your protecting wings over us still.. and thank you for having been the most important person in my life.. for chosing life for me back in 1965. I know you had something to do with that too. I love you.. Bless your heart and soul.. and feel my eternal, neverending love. I miss you Mummi..

It’s been a real slow day.. which has been nice for a change. Seems like most things has gone in slow motion. I watched a brittish documentary of ABBA – The Mamma Mia Story.. which was great of course.. . Then we went for some serious grocery shopping in Enköping. SO boring.. but it has to be done every once in a while. Can’t wait to have those gorgeous boys of ours coming with us.. and helping us carry the bags inside the house..

Been talking with my beautiful son Vincent and my husband to be.. my Zachary. Tomorrow I’ll have time with my amazing Rickyman. We’ve been dreaming away to this early spring when they’ll be coming home. We’ve been talking about a very special cruise to Helsinki. All of a sudden it starts to feel more real.. and I swear, my heart skipped a beat.. We watched the webpages of the ship together and dreamed away.. I’ll second what Vincent said.. 2009 will be the year of VRASZ. For sure.

Today has been real quiet too.. We slept late and that felt really great. We were all cuddling in my bed before we finally got up to have some breakfast.. Sanna, Kirre and myself. I love mornings like this.. It’s been real cold outside today.. frosty, icy.

Our friends picked us up at 5:30. They took us out for dinner in Stockholm. This was a belated birthday dinner for me.. so we picked out the Bamboo Palace downtown. They have this chinese/japanese buffét and their food is amazingly good. They also have an ice cream buffét for dessert.. which always works.. *s*. We had a great time and the food was perfect. We also saw Börje Salming there.. he sat one table away from us.. WHOAAAA..! And those of you who doesn’t know who he is.. look it up right now..!! He’s a fucking legend.. I’m still like shaking here.. *s*

I’m now talking with my beautiful man.. and my beautiful Rickyman. Ricky is going to spend the day with his uncle Brody tomorrow.. at the law firm he works at. With a bit of luck, he’ll be going into court also. This is a golden opportunity for our Ricky.. who has plans to become a lawyer. I’m so happy he gets this chance tomorrow. And my baby is going to see the doc again.. and I hope all goes well there. And my Vincent.. I hope he rests.. and that he feels at least a little bit better in his hand… and that he didn’t have a headache today. I’m off to bed in a minute.. tomorrow I have to be at the office. That will be the only day at work for me though.. until January 7th or something like that.  Tomorrow we are also driving down on the south side of Stockholm to visit Maria again.. at the hospice.. On Tuesday I have a doc’s appointment. But after that.. it’s just Sanna and I and all about relaxing, watching movies, being close and recharging batteries for a whole week.. We both need it badly.

So.. we greeted the new year welcome a couple hours ago here. We were outside, watching the neighbours fireworks fill the starbright sky. Our thoughts were far away though.. across the ocean. Our Vincent had his surgery today and thank God it went really great. I knew it would.. but there’s always this anticipation before you know for sure. I had a good feeling about it and I was right. Again.. *s*. I know I’m a pain in the ass Zacky.. but I’m your pain in the ass.

We had a quiet day here.. we slept late and hung out.. took it easy. We talked with Zacky and Rick for a bit and then we started to make dinner. We bought ourselves a Christmas present to our home a couple days ago. A food processor.. so making the potatoe gratin was so much easier to make today. It was delishious.. we also had a couple minute steaks and some butter fried mushrooms. Yummy and festive. Tonight we also lid 5 candles.. one for each member of our family.. VRASZ. This will be our year and so many great things awaits us. Oh.. I can’t wait to see them happen.. I really can’t wait. I miss my boys so much that I can barely handle it anymore.

Tonight we watched Kung Fu Panda.. a great animated movie. Jack Black is really something.. *s*. Other characters that gave voices (and souls) were Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan, Angelina Jolie and Lucy Liu. If you haven’t seen it.. please do. It’s awesome and we got some really good laughs.

We heard a little while ago that our Vincent is out of surgery and doing okey.. surgery was a success. My wonderful brother JoeJoe was with him the whole time and I knew he was in best care possible. I knew JoeJoe would make sure everything went perfect. I am also eternally grateful to my sweet, beautiful sister Christina who kept us updated by texting and letting us know what was going on. Thank you sis..! It meant a lot. And Thank you JJ for taking such good care of my son. I love you so much.. both of you. I love my boys.. more than words can say. Happy New Year everyone.. may it be the best year ever for all of us. God bless you all..

I believe this day will go to history as one of the slowest ever. I haven’t done much about anything at all. That’s alright I guess.. but I feel a bit uncomfortable and restless, and I’m fighting with my feelings of guilt as always. Guilt of not being useful..

Sanna and I have been taking it real easy and we watched a movie. We both saw it before.. but it’s worth watching again and again.. The Nightmare before Christmas. Our Sanna is a huge Tim Burton fan and she totally adores Jack Skellington.. . We also watched some of the bonus material on the dvd.. of how the movie was made with stop-motion-animation technique. Awesome to see.. and impressive what a tremendous amount of work they have put into making the movie. It’s really interesting.. and it’s also a world that I knew absolutely nothing about before.

Now we’re talking to my Zacky.. and we’re worried out of our minds about our Vincent. Seems like his hand has swelled up to at least twice it’s normal size and he’s in a lot of pain. Something is wrong.. and we’re waiting to find out what it might be and what has to be done. I’m trying hard not to freak out about my boy being in that much pain and so out of it.. and so far away. Being a mother and this far away when your kid is sick.. is nothing less than torture.  I love my boys so much and I just want them to come home already.. I can’t stand being away from them anymore. It gets harder and harder for each day.. oh God, I miss them so much..

My friend Maria doesn’t live anymore. Except for in our hearts and memories.. and of course in her son Fernando. This morning I got the news of her passing. She had died peacefully in her sleep in the morning of this years first day. It’s still hard to absorb.. that she isn’t with us anymore. She lost the battle she heroically fought against the disgusting disease called cancer. She was only 54 years old.. that’s nothing. You would either love or hate Maria.. I love her. She had temper.. oh yes, she was a true hothead for sure. People in general has problems with those who are brutally upfront and honest for some reason. I’ve realized that a lot of people are really scared of the truth. Maria always delivered the truth. Alright.. she might have been a bit too blunt at times.. but that was the way she was. Nobody could say ”Beat it..!” the way she did.. but then again.. nobody could hug and kiss your face like she did either. You would feel the sincerity and the love to the core of your essence. You really felt loved by her. I can imagine you could feel hated too.. but luckily I wasn’t on her bad side. You could always trust what she said up to a 100%. You never had to wonder.. you know..? She was totally genuine. Straight forward. She was amazing.

I am so grateful and glad that Sanna and I drove out to see her a couple days before Christmas. We got to spend some time with her.. we talked, we cried, we laughed, we had coffee, we hugged and kissed and we lid some candles in the chapel and we were praying together. She was so incredibly beautiful.. even though the illness had changed her appearance a lot. She was still Maria. I can still hear her say.. ”Hej hjärta”.. with that funny accent she had. That means ”Hello Heart”.. That’s how she used to greet me and Sanna always. She was one of the strongest people I have ever met. Yet that strength wasn’t enough to fight that horrible cancer that took over her entire body and broke her down. It only broke down her body though.. never her spirit. When we met her she was still hell bent on fighting for all she was worth.. and I know she did, to her last breath. She was a true trooper. Her life story could be a best selling novel. For sure. Born in Angola, Africa.. and as a very young mother she had to literally escape in the midst of a war, with bullets flying over her head.. with an infant son.. to safety in Portugal, where she lived for some years before life brought her to Sweden. I’ve known her for about 15 years and she brought so much joy and laughter to my life. I will always carry that with me. I still hear her voice.. I hear her special laughter. I know she’s an angel now and she will live on within me and Sanna forever.

My wonderful, beloved Maria.. I hope you are feeling safe now. I hope you have no pain anymore. I hope you are at peace now and I hope you are together with your mother, your husband.. and all those you loved and lost. I am so grateful that I knew you and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me be a part of your life. Thank you for letting me know you. I will keep talking with you.. even though you can’t answer me anymore. I love you so much Maria.. rest in peace my dear friend.

*****

Today has been a lot about sadness and I’m kind of caught in it in a way. It will pass.. but right now it’s still hard to let go. It all went so fast with Maria. It only shows you how fragile life can be and how fast it can change.. how you should never take anything for granted. My thoughts has also been with my boys.. as they always are. My Vincent has gotten a second surgery today.. correcting what the asshole doctor from the other day missed out on. I know Zacky and Rick has been at the hospital just about all day and they still are I think. I only hope all three boys are safe.. getting enough rest.. eating the way they should. I miss them. I always miss them.

.. really sucks. We were having this Lord of The Rings marathon as from yesterday when we watched The Fellowship of The Ring for the… eehhh.. maybe 5th time or something (Sanna’s probably 11th time or something). We had planned to watch the other two movies today.. really get into the JRR Tolkien world we love so much once again. We are both huge fans and of course we have the extended special versions of the dvd’s. So we had planned to watch The Two Towers for breakfast and then The Return of The King after that..

But my baby girl.. my precious Sanna woke up sick this morning. She has been puking her guts out almost all day and she’s got a pretty high temp. She’s in a lot of pain and she’s just feeling really uncomfortable. We’ll watch the movies some other day.. no big deal at all. She’s upset – believe it or not – that she can’t go to school tomorrow. She will miss the education from her superfavorite teacher Oskar .

So now.. it’s time for bed, for rest, for healing.. I will take care of her.. Tomorrow might be a better day.. let’s hope it is. We miss our boys like mad also.. as always.

We had a long night.. Sanna had a high temp and was feeling very uncomfortable and I stayed up with her. Poor baby.. Eventually she was able to close those beautiful blue eyes and get some rest and I did the same. When she woke up after lunchtime sometime.. she felt a lot better, which was great. So she’s been feeling a bit better and she’s even been able to eat a bit today.. but then again, I’m feeling worse and real icky. I don’t have a temp though.. I don’t think I do (didn’t check). I just feel kind of sick. Or actually.. I don’t feel kind of sick.. I feel really sick.

I also heard my beautiful baby sister is being sick and feeling like crap. I know her husband and brother are with her today and looking after her.. making sure she’s okey and safe and on the path of recovery, which makes me feel more at ease. Her mother is also looking after her babies. Feel better soon sis..!

I wish it was March..

It’s been a prettu uneventful day really. I had my second B12-shot taken this morning. I have to go to a nurse who gives it to me. Sanna came with me since she was off from school today.. Teachers Study Day or something like that. After that we went to the supermarket to pick up some groceries. We are both still feeling a bit low and slow and we’re taking it easy. Neither one of us slept that well last night so we took a good nap when we got back home. I changed into my pj’s and I just wanted to relax the rest of the day.. which I have, more or less.

We made a good lasagna for dinner and we watched the season’s first episode of Dancing with the Stars here in Sweden. It’s called Let’s Dance here though.. *s*.. But it’s the same thing. Now we’re talking with two of our boys.. Zacky is feeling sick.. and I’m worried about him. Ricky is anxious about something that went down in school.. but he’s innocent and that will be proven without a doubt. Everything will work out for the best. I’m not worried about that. I also heard that Vincent did excellent in his first therapy session with his hand. Way to go Vincento..! Alright.. time to wrap this up.. and time to get some rest soon. We have to get up early tomorrow and visit Junibacken.. the Children’s Museum in Stockholm with some friends.

Ricky, sweetie.. You will be alright. Mama is always right.. you know..? Zacky, darling.. get some rest.. a lot of rest. Feel better soon. Vincent.. keep healing baby. I love you so much.. so much.

Our beautiful, precious nephew Dexter turned 4 today.. on January 14th. He told me on the phone today that he was going to ride his bike here to see his auntie.. because he misses me so much.. Aaaww.. I miss him too. I miss his brother Oliver also.. and their cousin Isak.. another beautiful nephew of ours. This is a pic of him that Sanna took this summer when him and his big brother Oliver were goofing around with the water hose in our garden. Isn’t he gorgeous..? Talk about having a sparkle in his eyes.

Congratulations Dexter darling.. I hope you have had a wonderful birthday..!

We witnessed a premiere here today.. a world premiere. Our Hunk Cat… King Kirre.. got his necklace on today and went outside BY HIMSELF for about an hour..:) Alright.. he was checking out the patio most of the time, but still.. He got taste of the big and free world out there. I was hovering back and forth the whole time.. like a mother hen.. *s*.. I’ll admit it. He’s our baby and I was worried sick. But he came back inside after a while.. it’s shit cold out there.  He can go back out tomorrow.. if he lets us put the necklace on and if he stays in sight.. *s*

It’s been a quiet day besides that.. been taking it slow and pretty easy. We drove to the huge candystore in Enköping to bunker up for tonight. We bought candy to last for a week.. but I’m sure it’ll be eaten up by Monday at least.. . Chocolate dipped popcorn… Aaaahhh…

Sanna and I are talking with our daddy/husband to be.. and our uncle/brother Brody now.. it’s so cool. We miss our boys so bad it’s crazy. Brody will also be one of the brothers that will move out here. We can’t wait to build our own community here.. the Ojala-Ianotti community.. *ss*. That will rock..!

My sweet, beautiful, talented, amazing brother Coltin celebrates his 29th birthday today. Happy Birthday Coltin..! I hope you’re having the best day ever. Good luck tonight.. *wink, wink*.. I love you so very much and I’m so proud of you. I wish Sanna and I were there to celebrate with you.

Today has been just another day.. I was seeing the nurse to get my 5th and last shot in my ass. It stings and hurts today.. the other ones didn’t. But it’s just one of those days today. Also.. King Kirre.. has been out for a good 13 hours now.. almost 14. I’m a nervous wreck. It’s been snowing all day also.. it stopped now though. Please Kirre.. come home to mama now.. so we can both sleep all night..

I’m feeling kind of low.. I have been for a few days. It’ll pass.. it’s just a bummer sometimes. I miss my boys very much and I love them more than ever. I just feel kind of lost right now.. and worried. Kirre.. please come home.. now.

I just watched the inauguration of President Barack Hussein Obama on TV. That was awesome. The man is also an excellent speaker. We have witnessed a historical event and I feel blessed to have been able to be a part of the world changing this drastically for the better. At least we hope so. He has a huge weight on his shoulders.. President Obama. But I have no doubt that he will succeed. I believe that President Obama is not only what America needs.. but what the world needs right now. God Bless him.. I know my boys have been watching this historical event too.. which made me feel closer to them in a way. We watched it together.. but from different continents.

More domestic worries.. Our precious King Kirre was found today. Up high in a pine tree. It’s now dark, cold, windy, stormy.. and he’s still up in that tree. We don’t know for how long he’s been sitting there.. but at least today. Sanna found him before lunchtime today. It’s heartbreaking to listen to his screaming.. and I’m so worried about him. I just want him to come home. Now. Thank God we know where he is now at least.. and he’s also close to home. I can go out on the patio and talk with him.. which I do a couple times an hour.

I also heard that my wonderful brother Coltin finally made a move on Emily last night and what do you know…? They’re now together.. My God Coltin.. what took you so long..?! I’m so happy for you though. Really happy. Congrats bro..! Way to go..! You lost the bet to your niece btw..

Fernando called me today.. that is Maria’s son. There is now a date and a time for the funeral.. it’s good to know. We can say our proper good bye’s to our friend Maria and she will be put to rest and find her peace.. Oh God, I miss her so much..

Today isn’t the best of days.. But now it could only get better.. right..?